Have you ever wanted to give up? To just plop on the floor, curl up into a ball and fade into nothingness. It’s not even a matter of ceasing to exist, but rather, to give up caring.
Today, while I was removing the ends of string beans that I was preparing for dinner, (When work is repetitive, I sometimes go off into my own mind and start thinking about weird and random things.) I imagined that the string beans were like people: with feelings, emotions, aspirations, goals and fears. I pictured them inside a bowl and the slightly older beans discussing to the newly added beans what goes on and what to expect. All the younger beans were eager towards the cause: becoming someone’s dinner because it was something everyone expected. However, one bean wasn’t satisfied. She questioned everything in her mind and she was terrified that she was subjugated as someone’s meal. What happened to what she wanted? She knew her fate was decided before she was even planted in the ground. She was moody, grumpy and scared. She fussed about everything, and then eventually she sulked and began to shrivel. She didn’t care if she were to be discarded, she decided it was much better than to be eaten and benefit someone else when she’ll have nothing. An older bean spoke; she spoke with a tenderness and love. She said, “Little one, why do you fret? Do you think some of us are blind to the truth before us? Little one, be sure that I would rather die and be of use than to just live and waste away. Just know that your body is made up of nutrients that will benefit this human that needs everything from her environment to survive. Just like in the end, she will go back into the earth as part of what makes us grow. It’s the cycle of all things. In truth, you took in the nurture of the land: sun, water and soil and even though the growth process was hard, you benefited from it all. You saw the sun shine in all her glory and you went through the stormy rains. Yet, the warm earth hugged you and kept you from all harm. You made it this far my love. Why nullify and make void everything you went through.”
I woke from my little day-dream. As much as I wanted to write all of it down and play with the idea as a personal story, I dismissed it as foolishness.
And then, right before I found the courage to write, I realized that this story about a string bean day-dream was the answer I was searching for. I was so upset that I could no longer do the things that I took for granted. I thought that life was going to be normal and that I could function like any normal 20 something year old. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I was so wrong that my heart hurt and I was thinking of giving up on every single dream I hold deep inside my heart. I was like the little string bean that threw a massive tantrum because she couldn’t do what she wanted. She felt trapped and limited, just like I did. But like the wise Bean, I realized that God didn’t allow these rough times to happen just for me to give up. Life is filled with uncertainty. We will have good, bad and in-between days. Just because the end result isn’t what we expect doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a purpose. I know that every smile and every tear I experience is to bring glory to the One that created me and also to benefit others.
Thank God for my imagination! [Insert silly smile here]