I was looking at myself in the mirror today and I decided it was time to be real with myself.
Let’s get real. I need to get real, be real, be open with myself. This has to stop now.
I wasn’t joking. I was tired. I was tired of the cycle. Even if the problem itself didn’t change, at least my mindset would.
Pity-Party, making excuses for not keeping up my bible studies, for acting in the flesh. MY SILLY EXCUSES.
I realized it was because I didn’t fully understand who I was. I asked this question over and over: who am I?
Why am I allowing myself to dictate what I am and who I am and what I should do. I know what I need to do. I know it with every part of me.
I remember hiding in church. When the pastor was speaking about reaching the youth and allowing God to use the church in a mighty way, I was hiding. Silly, how could I hide from God? Time and Time again I asked God to use me, but now when the topic was discussed in church, I wanted to act like I didn’t hear it.
I was craving a comfortable life. I was craving routine. I was craving pleasure. I was tired of the stress, the drama, all that comes with being a christian.
It’s not easy serving Christ. We have to surrender our wants every day. We have to let him take control. We have to stop thinking so much and start doing. We have to persevere. We have to forgive. We have to be at peace. We can’t lust for things of the world. We have to be aware of our actions. We have to throw EVERYTHING AWAY. There were some things I didn’t want to throw away and for the longest, I’ve been throwing mini tantrums. I was angry. I didn’t want to always help people, I didn’t even want to be around people. There were days where I wanted to curl up in bed and not even move.
I didn’t want to pray all the time. Shoot, I didn’t even want to eat some days. Some days, I wondered why I had to deal with such rubbish people. Sometimes I questioned why I was even placed on this earth.
It was just one big pile of pity drama. It was one big pile of selfishness. I wanted to hide in a corner, live and die. I wanted to cling to the sins in my life that made me feel human, and comfy, that felt good ( for the moment). I didn’t want to admit to myself that it was wrong, though I knew it was wrong and would say it was so. But deep down, I felt that it had become part of my identity. But I would always say: God free my from this.
How would God believe me if I don’t keep asking and keep seeking. How would God believe me if I keep hiding.
How foolish am I to think I can hide from God. I had to be real with myself. No more sugar coating.
There are times I’m mature but very many times when i’m immature. Yes I’m human, but I serve Christ. There is no excuse for not seeking him with every ounce of my frail life.
Who am I to think that I can be holy on my own? How can I be full of love, full of Christ, full of the spirit, if I do not seek God? If I feel that I can seek him part-time and do the rest on my own? From my teen age years, this was my main problem. I ran away and here is it again.
I will put away childish things. I will humble myself and seek God for everything, even my attitude towards the things I cling to.
Even with my faults, God’s grace covers me. Psalms 65 always comes to me.
Maybe my next post will highlight the notes in my devotional journal. It brought me so much joy and peace.
But this blog post is REAL. Get real, Get real. Life is SHORT. Get real with yourself and allow God to get REAL in your life. Let him be real in your life.
God is responsible for all the joy in my life, why can’t I let him do his job.
There is so much freedom in letting God do his job. I know this. Daniel comes to mind as I write this.
Daniel was free in every way as he trusted in God for everything. Despite temptation, tribulation; he kept his eyes focused on God.
This is what I want.