Monthly Archives: February 2013

Silence In The Darkness.

For the last few weeks my life has been topsy turvy, emotional and crazy. I don’t know where front and end or up and down, meet. I feel tossed around. I can’t hone in and truly feel my emotions. I feel disloyal to myself sometimes. But there is something in me that is telling me to hold my ground. Do not give in to the pressure and retaliation of what’s going on.

Being silent in terms of not standing up for myself is hard. I’m so use to expressing how I feel that I forget that I need to stop. I feel as if God is asking me to let him fight my battles. I feel as if he is asking me to trust him and love him and to forget my feelings and my cares when it comes to other people for a while.

It’s hard. I hate feeling this way. I hate being tossed to the side by people I care about. I hate it. I hate being lied to. I hate being taken for granted.

I don’t know how I am going to do this but I am asking for God to give me the strength and the knowledge of how to be silent. I need to be invisible right now.

I know there is something I am not seeing. I can’t see it. What is happening to my already messed up world? I didn’t think it was possible to lose anymore than I had already lost; but it happened. It happened suddenly and painfully.

Psalms 118:8. I keep saying this over and over again, I don’t care about people or what they do but honestly I do care. I care when I put effort into something and it’s not returned. Sometimes I question if it’s wrong to expect love and care from those you love and care for.

I had a realization that my life is changing and that the ideals and my way of thinking are being changed. I feel as if the walls around my heart and mind and everything I cling to are being broken. I don’t like it. It hurts more than I expected. I do know, though, that there is something to look forward to. That despite everything that is happening, I can put my hope in a new and better me.  Not in a selfish, self preserving way but a me that is God created.

I think the greatest thing I can do right now is to stand still. I want to run away but I will face everything that comes. Facing everything in silence. There is nothing to defend or prove. Nothing to argue over. Nothing to cry about. Nothing to be sad over.

I have no idea what the future holds but I’m going to hold God’s hand. I need him to lead me on this path that is dark, lonely and scary. There is no light. It’s like I’m walking with my eyes closed. How scary is it to do such a thing without a guide.

 

2/23/2013- WOOHOO!

Today started off horribly. Some things I won’t mention for the sake of my own sanity. ( Don’t worry it’s nothing I did.)

I also went to the store with a person I won’t name ( for privacy reasons) and the things we discussed made me feel unloved and my struggles not taken seriously. It’s like this person revealed how they feel about my situation in general and it made me upset. I guess I didn’t have much to be upset over, most people don’t understand.

Any who, I came home and sat on the bed for a few moments thinking of the best way to sulk and spend the day sitting on my rump. But the most amazing idea came to me : Why don’t you do your workout?

I joined this site and it keeps me accountable. I can record everything and anything that I did today regarding nutrition and fitness. I created a note saying that I want to end this day with a bang. I wanted to accomplish all I needed. I wanted to release all the stress, anger, tension, frustration into energy. Energy that will bring me closer to my goals. I felt like I was transported a couple years back to my teen years. I was active, motivated and always determined to reaching new goals.

Well, I did it! I did 30 minutes of cardio! Some people think that’s nothing, but for me it’s everything. I tried this work out before and I only did 15 to 17 mins. This is my 3rd time doing the video and I pushed and pushed to the 30. I realized I needed to go slower in the beginning. I needed to pay attention to my form. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I stretched before and after the work out.

I feel amazing and happy. Everything from this morning/afternoon is now forgotten ( for the most part). I can spend the night celebrating with a good show and a long rest.

I will take the time out to give glory and praise to my savior Jesus Christ for reminding me with his awesome words that I can do anything in him because he supplies and gives me all the strength I need. He has reminded me of who I am in him. I am capable of doing everything with excellence. There is a little more back ground story to this; so I will post it in another post to keep this one short.

Other highlights of the day:

  • Walking in the rain
  • Wearing my favorite shirt
  • Listening to a song that reminded me of God’s love
  • Eating chocolate with peanut butter and chocolate covered almonds.
  • Reaching a goal that has helped me understand a little of my potential in Christ.

 

 

2/21/2013

  • Started work-out regimen.
  • Made a workout playlist.
  • Had an epiphany. ( It was about living in a pit and not wanting to get out because it’s comfy and all we know. Etc)

 

All in all, God is good!

2/14/2013

  • Taking a walk and feeling the breeze on my face and scalp.
  • Relaxing in peace and solitude
  • Organizing files on my net-book – makes everything look better and easy to access. OH JOY! 
  • Noticing how flat my tummy is. -eating right and reducing stress is greatly affecting the way I look…in a good way!
  • Reading a bible passage last night that has me hopeful, excited and full of joy even today.
  • Connecting with people that share the same struggles as I do-offering and receiving comfort and encouragement.
  • Downloaded an organizing software that i’m excited to learn about.
  • Enjoyed the smell of warmth and sun.- ever noticed that each season has a distinct scent?
  • Anticipating the next episode of a show I started watching.
  • Making amends with someone.
  • Enjoying Valentines day with family in our own way.
  • All in all, being thankful for life and the Grace of Christ.

Life, Illness and Expectations

Compared to the average person, my days are not hectic or full of duties to get done in a couple hours. However, each task is time consuming and tiring. Making dinner, taking a shower, walking a couple blocks, cleaning, it can take the whole day to get done. If I find that one day I have a lot of energy but spend it too quickly, I have to spend a couple days recovering. My mind isn’t as sharp as it use to be. I forget things easily and my mental speed has slowed. I feel pain everyday. I wake up stressed physically, most mornings. I’m bloated and tired. Sometimes sleep isn’t restful. This is what it’s like living with an autoimmune disease.

Some people think this is all in our heads or that we will recover tomorrow. But the truth is: we do not know what the future holds but day by day this is a reality for people that live with an autoimmune disease.

I’m not looking for pity but understanding. I want people to understand why I forget who they are after meeting them. Why I don’t hang out with friends like the average 20 something year old. Why people with autoimmune illnesses  struggle just to live a normal life.

Those that suffer never want pity, we want understanding. We also don’t want you to underestimate us. I’m learning that I will have to let go and let God and relax some days. I’m learning that there is a tomorrow and if not, then there is nothing to worry about in the first place. Worrying is pointless. Planning is also pointless. There are days when we can’t fulfill our duties or days when circumstances say other wise. It is possible God might have something else for us to do. Either way, for people with an any kind of chronic illness, it’s always a day at a time. We find strength from God and each other. I’m also learning that there is nothing in life that can prevent me from seeking God. There is nothing that takes away from who he is.

All in all, despite the challenges life throws at us, we should never give up. We should never stop dreaming and always make time to relax and enjoy life as fragile and precious as it is.

Clouds Will Go Away

Clouds will go away

Once you stop feeding them the rain

You feed laughter with joy

And you kill anger with kindness

There is a cycle for everything on this earth

Sometimes, there is a time for people to fall apart,

So that they can grow and become who they need to be.

A tug on each end, opposite directions

You realized you have outgrown a friend.

And nothing you both do can rewind broken time.

A screeching halt and your ears start to bleed

You don’t want to hear it…

That it’s time for the end…

But leaves must fall so new ones can be ready for spring….

By: Merrishel