I think my actions forced me into silence. Honestly, I am very happy to have this silence. I am free to think. I am free to study. I am free to seek.
As confusing life is to me, I know that God has not deserted me. As evil my nature is, God has not turned his back on me.
Sometimes we can have good intentions, sometimes we think we are doing the right thing for ourselves to find out that it was flat-out wrong. But the joy I have is in productivity.
I am no longer a busy body like my teenage self doing everything and anything. I calculate my days and what needs to get done. I make time to take care of my body and adopting proper eating habits.
However, there is still room for improvement. My last post was titled: “Silence in the darkness”.
I know for a fact that this is the silent part of my journey. I already know that I am a hopeless human being but I didn’t realize how hopeless I was.
As dismal as that is, the reality of it all is that I’m realizing more and more that only God is good and there is no way that I can be good in my own strength.
Not spending time in God’s presence is my problem. I always say I don’t have time even when I do. It’s always an excuse for me. The passion has left and I blame it on time. Then when something pops up I get upset with myself and the cycle continues.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think about God and I thank him for all he does in my life. However that is not enough. At some point I realized that I was spiritually blind. Spiritually dumb.
I was comfortable in my own folly. I made excuses for my own sins and attitudes. I made goals without asking God exactly when and how.
It’s way to easy to fall off track when you make excuses. It’s way too easy to fall of track when you are worrying about who hurt you or how tired you are after a long day of work and chores. It’s easy to fall off track when you are too caught up being angry with yourself.
I decided this was a wake up call. Honestly, I am tired of wake up calls. I want to reach a place where they are few and far in between.
The word of God is like a flicker of light, a spark of fire in the darkness. Every sparkle and every flick illuminates each tile, brick or step of the way. It doesn’t illuminate the whole path, just the steps we need to take.
Satan is on the side lines trying to divert our attention to what he has to offer ( the state of the world) . It may be enticing because it is easy, or maybe because everyone is doing it. Other times it could be because the light hasn’t shown up fast enough. Some of us could be on one step or tile for years. It seems fitting that we can take a detour.
However, as we move from beginners or babies to mature or elders, Satan’s tactics would soon begin to appear dull or desperate. He might even try new ways but because of our maturity in Christ we can rest on what we know of him and his ways/timing.
The Holy Spirit is with us throughout this journey. He reminds us of what we know and he will reveal to us what we need to know. That’s the comfort we have. He also gives us the authority and the power to stand against the bully ( Satan) in Jesus name.
This is exactly how it’s coming to me and it’s making sense. Along the way we develop new skills called virtues that help us reach our goal: heaven. Most importantly it also living life as a testimony of God’s grace and love for everyone. Soon that spark will light up other lives. I always wondered what makes a christian mature and now I’m seeing that it comes from experience: trials and tribulations.
Being alone in the dark is scary at first but sometimes necessary. We begin to notice our surroundings, our spiritual state and our relationship with God.
I guess despite everything, today was a good day.