I woke up recently, feeling a bit disturbed by my own thoughts and what I have allowed in my own life for the last couple of years. I was displeased in myself for seeking and taking advice from people who knew nothing about my situation, who sometimes gave advice simply to make themselves feel better; and I reduced myself to a mere product of society.
I realized that in the quest for worldly success, all true sense is thrown out the window and we become mindless drones. The quest for superficial beauty, tons of money, and all the comforts in life, drowns out what truly matters most.
I’d sway back and forth between my love for God and my love for success and end up no where anyway.
However, the Lord has been gracious to me, and I see tremendous growth in myself. I thank the Lord for this. It was all because of His pursuit for me to return to Him, that I am where I am today.
The true desire of my heart is to worship the Lord with everything I am. To be who I am outside what other people expect of me, to find my own voice and to silence those that wish to dictate who I should me to sedate their own jealousy. Yes, jealousy. It’s an evil disease of the heart that can infect mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, neighbors and enemies. It can spring up in the depths of a person’s soul and takes a whole lot to remove.
It hurt me for a while to even think that I’d have to fight the jealous scorn of people but there is one thing I realized. I realized that reducing yourself to please people, to get them to love you, to make them leave you alone is not the answer. They will always find something to hate. Always find a reason to put you down. It is not your fault. Even if you have no human support, remember that the Lord loves you.
After reading Psalms 119, my heart was soothed by the words of desperation in the hearts of godly men, who found comfort in the Word of God despite persecution. They threw down the quest for money and pleasure and sought the salvation of the Lord : which is His unfailing love. God tells me all the time, ” I love you with an unfailing love.” While people in life will let you down, and we will let ourselves down; we can find comfort and strength in the love of God.
It goes on to say that when your enemies rise up against you, focus on the Word of God or His commandments. Instead of trying to find a solution to everything, these men cried out to God for His help. They believed that God is the one that sorts out conflict and they just cling to him and tell everyone about his law.
The more I tried to defend myself, prove myself or succeed to make my enemies feel ashamed, the worse I felt. It can only get you so far. You become so focused on them that you forget about God and yourself. You forget what truly makes you happy. You forget how to live.
True freedom comes from pursuing God. It doesn’t even come from pursuing passions, relationships or success.
Many people will harshly judge a poor man with a great heart but love a rich man with a filthy heart simply because he is successful. God sees that poor, gentle heart and he will always be with him. That is what I want. The comfort and peace of the Lord. I had to suffer, go through pain and hardship to truly understand what matters most. I had to suffer so I could make a conscious decision to give up all the desires of my heart to be with God. And if he so chooses to bless me with all my desires, once more, I must surrender to the process. I must surrender to Him. I must not try to work it out on my own but to hand it all over to him.
This process of surrender is truly hard. It is hard and many days you feel crazy. People will look at you like you’re a lunatic, just as they did Noah who built an ark, Abraham and Sarah who were old and waiting for their promised child and even Jesus who was accused of many things simply because he defied all what people had expected him to be. People will judge you, call you a child of Satan ( even when you know for a fact you serve God), they will isolate you and speak ill of you to your face. Some will put you down any chance you get or even use you for their own selfish ambition.
I’m going to be real here and say, don’t be dainty in your prayers. God already knows your heart. How many times have I lied to myself, trying to work out the scriptures on my own. Do you really think you can love anyone on your own? No, you need God. The Bible encourages us to pray always. David was blunt about his feelings towards his enemies. When Jesus said pray for your enemies, I don’t think he just meant dainty little prayers. Sometimes we need to be honest and say “God, guess what! I do not like this!” Tell him! Ask him! Cry out to him. Don’t curse your enemies but ask God for strength. Ask God to help you sort out your feelings. You don’t need a therapist or a shrink but the ONE who created you and your enemies. And the greatest thing we are to do for our enemies is to tell them about God. Yes! Keep talking about God and who He is to you. Do not shut up your testimony and do not stop talking about the goodness of God. They will get mad, they might even get violent but never shut up about who God is. Don’t enable your enemies. We live in a world where people are afraid to speak the truth and correct. Did Jesus , when he addressed the jealous religious leaders, hold back the truth from them? Did he just keep silent? No! How can anyone know the truth if we hold it in? Is that what love is nowadays?
The church has watered down what love is suppose to look like. We have become a compromised and laid back sort of people. We are afraid to be like the early church and the prophets of old and proclaim the word of God without fear. I have been guilty of this time to time as well.
I have given up all selfish pursuits in this life. When I looked in the mirror of truth recently, I realized that I lost all sense of normalcy. I didn’t know how to eat like a normal person because I was afraid of gaining weight. I forgot how to have fun because I was determined to overcome every single set back in my life. Stress was an intimate friend of mine and I told God one day that He needed to help me or else I’d be dead in a few years. The answer to stress is easy. Submit to the Lord. Truly submit. The answer does not reside in us…it resides in His presence. It resides in knowing who He is as a real person. We call the Trinity the Persons. Well, God is a person and since He made us in HIS image he has feelings, thoughts and a will like us. It is not natural for me to be dependent on someone, I had to learn dependency through trials, but the more I sought help, the easier life became. We were not created to be a one man or woman band!
My decision is to stop worrying, stop trying to fit everything together like a jig-saw puzzle. Stop over-thinking, stop trying to fix everything and everyone, stop trying to do it all. JUST STOP. Breathe, slow down and then pray. Jesus said do not worry about tomorrow…do not worry about the future because the future has it’s own problems. It’s a day by day process. Everyday! King Solomon was truly wise when He wrote all His words of wisdom down. We want to eat nasty flavorless food in the name of being healthy but the truth is we cannot add another day to our own lives. It is God that determines the course of our lives. But I’ll leave that for another post.
I am on the quest to find understanding! I am on the quest to find wisdom. I am on the quest to find discernment. I am on the quest to find Christ and through Him, see the Father. I know I am up for a challenge of the lifetime because I’ll be fighting Satan, his minions and most of all MYSELF!
No more stretching in areas of life that are wasteful and pointless but to stretch in the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. His word never lies. If I do those things, He will, in His own marvelous way, provide all my needs. It’s time to go higher!