I took a short hiatus from writing because I didn’t want to write in my anger. I didn’t want to write something I’d regret later. Writing with negative feelings isn’t wise. I looked back at some of my old posts and question what I was writing. What am I trying to say? I decided to leave them up because It will show my progression as a person, and in some way, glorify God. Just like the people in the bible didn’t always have it together.
These last couple of months were difficult for me. I’m not quite sure I’m fully there yet. However, I wanted to share something that will get us through a difficult time, since difficulty is a promise in this life.
Firstly, I wish I embraced my true, deepest and darkest feelings. They were there for a reason but I tried to push myself to get over them. Well, guess what? I’m still dealing with them. No amount of pushing, faking, pleading or ignoring got rid of these feelings. They are still here. Because I didn’t allow myself to embrace them and approach God in my brokenness, I allowed it to taint my heart.
I was also angry with God. I still am somehow. I didn’t want to admit that I was because good Christians are never angry with God. FALSE! It’s a long process it seems. Sometimes we want instant change. I wanted to go back to how things were. That beautiful time with God. However, I cannot. That season, as short as it was, is over. I cannot force myself to get there.
I woke up this morning with random determination. I was determined not to work my way back to happiness and joy. I wasn’t going to work for anything. I was going to rest. Sit quietly with God in my anger, confusion and pain. Even the sins I have done out of this anger, I’m not going to force myself to stop them. I tried and it didn’t work. The bible makes it clear that our hearts determine our actions. My heart isn’t pure, therefore, why am I expecting my actions to be? You can’t clean up your act and present God a dirty heart and expect him to accept it.
So I stand before God angry and broken. I am angry at everything and it’s something I can’t fix. I admit I need him to fix it and I want him to fix it. I want to tell him everything that hurts me. I want to tell him everything. That his ways and his logic is too confusing for me. I don’t think I’ll ever understand him. Why things happen in life that makes absolutely no sense at all.
Even in my mess, God has taken care of me. Even though I had to walk away from things I thought he gave me, he has kept me. I almost lost my life, but his spirit kept me alive. I wanted to die, but he gave me strength to keep living.
One of the hardest months of my life but he has kept me and I cannot deny it. God is real, even in my confusion and anger.
So, if you are angry with God, I’m here to tell you that it’s ok. Be angry! OWN IT! Tell him you are angry. Tell Him everyday, just don’t stop talking to him.
Jesus didn’t die and rose so we can be fake with him. Intimacy is hard in a world that tells us we must be perfect. Jesus knew we are not perfect. He died for that. He died so we can talk to God while we are still messed up and dirty with the hope that if we cling to God and never let go, He will prune us and make us like him.
Our goal is to be like Jesus, but our focus must be Him. Don’t make holiness your idol. Holiness is not a set of good works or deeds but a pure heart that is washed by the blood of Jesus Christ and MAINTAINED through fellowship with God.
Jesus tells us those who stay connected to the true vine produces good fruit but even healthy trees need pruning. Even healthy trees can get sick. Don’t die sick. Let God heal you. Healing isn’t always instant. The process of healing takes time.
So be patient with God, yourself and people. It’s hard, I know.
I have to go, but I leave with this : Source
“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 KJV