Monthly Archives: June 2018

Restless

I’m restless and uncomfortable.

I’ve looked up the definition of restless and read a few articles on this emotion and everything about it is negative.

But, I’ve learned to listen to my feelings, at times, for clues as to what is going on with me.

I have concluded that it’s time for a major change. Change is approaching. I feel like I’m changing and it will be a good change.

I will embrace my feelings of restlessness. I refuse to accept certain elements in my life anymore. If I want change, I must embrace being uncomfortable. I must embrace uncertainty, fear and pain. I must embrace the hard work and pain that comes with birthing change.

When old habits die, you feel very uncomfortable. You become hyper vigilant and aware that something is missing.

No one takes a leap of faith when they are comfortable. No one changes or progresses in life while being comfortable! There is usually a turning point in your life that pushes you to take flight. Like a momma bird that pushes her baby out of the nest. That baby doesn’t think it’s ready. It doesn’t even know if it’s ready or not, but momma bird pushes it out and knows there are risk for their baby involved. But if I believe that God is real and loves me, even if I free fall to the earth, He will catch me as I learn to spread my wings and fly.

I want to fly. I want to expand. I want to develop. I want to struggle! I want to experience everything I know is godly possible.

Being perpetually comfortable is bondage!

Now I know something must change and I see my circumstances as the catalyst for my growth. I will use every bad and good experience as stepping stones to my destiny.

I want to say this:

I was accused of being many things, these last few days, while journeying within my frailties, and I want to extend a word of encouragement to those that are seeking and searching for something more than what they have:

Keep searching: Don’t allow anyone or anything to tell you to RELAX or BE AT PEACE or JUST WAIT. Yes, there are times for that but sometimes your restless seeking is part of growth. No one looks for anything if they already have the answers. ¿Comprende?

Don’t let anyone talk you out of what YOU KNOW. You will be presented with a lot of options and opinions….remove them! Get into a quiet mental space and write down your thoughts and feelings. Only worthy opinion is God himself at this stage of the game.

Isolate: Only from people you KNOW for a fact will not support you in anyway. I can’t stress this enough. Stop asking people for their opinion. Learn to navigate your own life!

Be open to learning : Learn hard skills, soft skills, biblical truths, Yourself, Who is God and what does he expect of you?, research, research, research, listen to pioneers that went before you, but don’t let it control you.

Rebuild what was lost: If it’s important, rebuild it. Cultivate it. Nurture it and watch it grow. You need a strong foundation to fall back on. A lesson I learned was that I wasn’t ready for certain things, as I was. I was growing and things were going well but I wasn’t firmly rooted in it. It was easy when adversity came to revert and undo everything I’ve worked so hard to establish. So, one part of the process is to become rooted and grounded in your beliefs, values and system of working. These things will surely help you when adversity and hardships come your way.

Fight for Christ: People will fight for lovers and family but is anyone willing to fight for their relationship with God? Like all relationships, there are ups and downs, including with the savior. So, fight with a vigor and don’t give up on Him.

I embrace change but I will also fight for it!

Until next time,

 

* disclaimer: images from a google search

 

 

 

Friend or Foe?

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Man oh man!

I’m sorry but excuse me? How did I not see this coming? It’s okay though,  I understand now.

CYCLES! History constantly repeats itself until you get it!

Step 1: Identify your weak points and discipline yourself to strengthen them!

That means removing triggers, being aware and slowing down when making decisions!

Step 2: Identify those that undermine you and by all means throw them in the trash!

You are not strong! Don’t try to put up with it, rationalize it out of existence or make excuses for this person. Get rid of them at all cost. There is no negotiating or pleading with these people. Feelings don’t change overnight. You will know a malicious person, set to undermine you when:

1. They put you down whether overtly or covertly through insults, comparisons, or dismissive behavior.

2. You notice you become confused, sad, resentful and private.

Why? Because their aim is to make you feel WORTHLESS!

3. This will happen for the rest of your life so get use to it.

4. Slowly build a support system that will surround you and uplift you during your times in need.

By all means shun every single church, or person that doesn’t fit this qualification. There are churches out there that will make you paranoid, zap you of your life and vitality and make you walk around with constant guilt. Be patient and take your time creating this circle. State what you expect ahead of time and watch people carefully. Circumstances and situations will expose a person.

You deserve to be loved and honored. Don’t settle for less than that! Your inner circle should be people that would even lay their lives down for you and vise versa. Not people that just want to be around you and have a good time, or hear your woes but don’t actually want to root for you and uplift you as a person. This means a lot especially when you are low.  No one will always be happy and full of joy and on cloud 9, 10 and 11, so you need a system of people that will encourage and push you forward. Job had horrible friends. God knew that too and Job had to pray for them, so God would forgive them for judging him and speaking falsely on God’s behalf. But then we see Jonathan, who was not only willing to give up all he had for David, for He understood the calling on David’s life, but was supportive and spoiled the plans of his father Saul to protect his friend. Your friends are LOYAL to you and do not want to see you harmed.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get this right, right way. I wanted to feel guilty for allowing certain people in my life but what will guilt do? Guilt just robs you of your vitality and hinders you from growing and learning. For some, this comes naturally, for others, not so much.

Be willing to walk alone for a season until you find those that will surround you with the love you deserve and help you reach your goals in life. We need each other, but we need the right people!

Until next time,

 

 

 

 

Ya Bettah Know Who You Be!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Let me tell you something guys!

Let me warn you! If you don’t know who you are and what you want in this world, people will dictate it for you!

I know what I want is typically unusual and I sometimes act really quirky and odd, but I embrace who I am!

If you have a title or a position in church, please, I beg of you to be careful of what you pray over people. I leave every time feeling misunderstood and alone. No one gets me. They assume everything about me but no one ever sat down to talk with me and get to know me and why I’m there. It was then, that I realize that some churches are not what they are suppose to be.

I left feeling horrible, not uplifted. No one came to ask me how I felt or if I wanted to talk. They just left me there.

My walk with God is lonely.  No one cares to hear my story. No one cares to listen. So, I bottle it all up inside. It wasn’t until a few moments ago that I realized something powerful. Every time someone tries to put me down or tell me who I am, that is when I know I’m on the right track. Every time that happens, something good comes out of their negative words.

We are to uplift not tear down.

I held on to every single dream I had in my heart. I told some people and they tried to discourage me or tell me why I can’t do it.  I’ve been misjudged by those I cared about. They choose not to love and encourage me but to kick me when I was down. This came from various people, whether in church or not.

The greatest thing I have is my faith and integrity. Without these two things, I am nothing.

Faith doesn’t equate perfection. I will tell you I had my moments of doubt. I had my moments where I wanted to die and give up. Life was just too unbearable. Suffering is inevitable.

But this time around, despite my nonsense, despite the pain, I held on to God. I was angry with Him, but I didn’t run away from Him. I stood still in my anger and raged through it. I experienced every single feeling: from anger to hopelessness to despair.

I can honestly say that today, I feel a lot better. It happened through a small prayer in bed before I fell asleep. I admitted that I was wrong and I simply said I will no longer fear anything.

It was that simple. I mean seriously, it was just that simple. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, in terms of my mood, but I will take it a day at a time.

The Christian walk is marked by ups and downs. I decided not to hold on to the guilt of missing the mark but to embrace the grace that Christ had died for. I admitted I was wrong and that I needed Christ Daily.

I also found an article that reminded me just how important spiritual discipline is. I became overwhelmed with trying to better my life, but everything flows from my spiritual health. Not physical, mental or emotional health but my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. Everything flows from God.

He gives us wisdom and understanding. He directs where we go and influences the decisions we make. He sets things in order, behind the scenes. He ordains our future and destiny.

Without Him, our efforts are empty. Personally, without Him I can’t even survive. Literally, God has become the very essence of my well-being. I don’t feel healthy without Him. I begin to wither and die like a plant.

The source of my joy is right relationship with Him. My heart became dirty with disappointment and fear. I was too busy to read the bible, pray or even worship through song. God was literally squeezed out of my life because I had too much going on.

I also blamed Him for certain things in my life, instead of trusting that all things will work together for my good.

Despite all of my failures, God has kept me and given me peace this day. It took a bad situation for me to see the truth. I must always remind myself of  who God is and what I know about myself.

I will never be loud or arrogant to prove anything to anyone. I will quietly leave my mark on this earth. I want to be known as the Woman that loved God and walked with Him. For in my weaknesses, He is gloried and in my victories, He is declared King.

Those that love you, will seek to understand you. As Christians, we are called to love one another. That means to truly get to know those we are serving and in fellowship with. Not judging them, putting them in a box and then tossing them aside to move on. Truly connect with people and help them where they are.

 

That is all for now,

 

The Price of Kindness

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

Unnecessary Disclaimer: I’m being honest and open.

A series of events led to my eye open experience.

There is a price to pay for being kind. In a cruel world, people see meekness and kindness as weakness.

I witnessed this even in a church! The very place where meekness, kindness and gentleness should be respected and even honored, the meek and the kind are shunned, insulted and made to feel inadequate. Brashness, cruelty and harsh words were celebrated as strength, used to control, manipulate and crush it’s recipients.

It was covered up in the guise of tough love, honesty, boldness, playful banter etc. We have lots of fluffy words for cruelty these days.

It’s tempting to want revenge, or to prove yourself to these people but this is my conclusion.

I want to remain kind. I want to be myself and who God made me to be. It takes a lot of strength NOT to fit in. It takes a lot of strength to keep going after being rejected, mistreated and misunderstood.

I had someone tell me that kindness is fake. Poor soul. Poor soul believes kindness is fake and rudeness is strength.

In wisdom, you’ll know that sort of person is troubled and being unkind back will just exasperate the issue.

I think these experiences, while they hurt me deeply , has made me stronger.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I have fallen in love with myself even more. I pick and choose my battles wisely. If I make a mistake, I apologize , fix it as best as I can and move forward. I also know that my actions aren’t always kind but I want to be kinder.

Kindness for me is peace. It’s about being at peace with oneself and others. I don’t have time to be cruel. Cruelty is boring! There is so much to do in life than plotting against your next victim.

After every heartache I make two declarations: I will serve God no matter what and I want to do the right thing.

Love is patient and kind. Listen, I don’t always get it right, no one will but being consistently cruel to people, even those that have hurt you isn’t right! There is no justification for it!

Forgiveness is a choice! A process yes, but it’s a choice you have to make.

Forgiveness gives you internal peace in a chaotic world!

I was mad at God over things in my life, including my own choices. Now thinking about it, as painful as it was, I don’t regret it.

In a fallen world, pain builds character. All of my struggles and heartaches, sins (yup) and mistakes , not one piece or part must be forgotten for they all are the building blocks to my character.

The Bible clearly shows us the faults, mistakes and triumphs of it’s characters. There is constant character development.

The most important elements to life are our character and godliness. The quest for material things ends with death but our character and our godliness will be tested in the next life.

I learned through it all that God loves me too.

Guide Me , O Thou Great Jehovah by William Willams

  1. You Know you are getting old when you can understand and truly feel the depth of a hymn. 
  2. This morning, this wonderful hymn just touched my soul and I sang it with all the strength of my lungs!
  3. Guide me, O Thou great *Jehovah, [*Redeemer]
    Pilgrim through this barren land;
    I am weak, but Thou art mighty,
    Hold me with Thy pow’rful hand.
    Bread of heaven, Bread of heaven,
    Feed me till I want no more;
    Feed me till I want no more.
  4. I feel like I’m in a barren land, trying to reach the promised land. I feel utterly weak, confused and helpless sometimes. Actually, most of the time. But truly, I knew that my strength only comes from God. The best days of my life were marked by constant prayer, moment by moment. I had to pray for strength to get through the day, to sleep, and to walk in healing. When I stop praying, I feel weak, confused and insecure!  God’s mighty hand keeps me. He is the bread of heaven! His word feeds and nourishes. His presence is nourishment and it strengthens, me lacking in nothing.
  5. Open now the crystal fountain,
    Whence the healing stream doth flow;
    Let the fire and cloudy pillar
    Lead me all my journey through.
    Strong Deliv’rer, strong Deliv’rer,
    Be Thou still my Strength and Shield;
    Be Thou still my Strength and Shield.
  6. Again, God is the fountain in which healing flows.  When I was so consumed with my daily endeavors and pushed God out of the equation, my fountain of health ran dry. I had no strength to carry on.
  7. Lord, I trust Thy mighty power,
    Wondrous are Thy works of old;
    Thou deliver’st Thine from thralldom,
    Who for naught themselves had sold:
    Thou didst conquer, Thou didst conquer
    Sin and Satan and the grave,
    Sin and Satan and the grave.
  8. This one was omitted from the version I was listening to, but it’s in the original for a reason. “Lord, I trust thy mighty power, wondrous are thy works of old!” The God that performed miracles then and even in my own life, I MUST TRUST HIM! There are areas in our lives where we do not trust God, despite him showing us what he is capable of. God conquered our sins, Satan and the grave. In this I must choose to find peace! The focus more of him and not just on perfection or performing the law, but a relationship with him. Relationships builds the foundation of trust.
  9. When I tread the verge of Jordan,
    Bid my anxious fears subside;
    Death of death and hell’s Destruction,
    Land me safe on Canaan’s side.
    Songs of praises, songs of praises,
    I will ever give to Thee;
    I will ever give to Thee.
  10. Fear nothing. No matter what happens or what we face in this life, including death, trust that God will safely get you to where you need to be. Whether it’s your full capacity of maturity and to fulfill his plan for your life to you being with him in heaven in the end. Sing His Praises in the storm! Sing with understanding. Don’t just do it because people say so. MEAN IT WITH UNDERSTANDING!!!!

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The Little Flame

Sometimes, I lay in bed

and in the quietness of my mind

I see a flame.

It’s a tiny flame, surrounded by darkness.

Isolated.

I can gauge the strength of my spirit from this flame.

I remember, when I felt hopeless, that flame was small and flickering out

barely holding on.

Now, as I hold on dearly to the truth of my heart,

the flame is slowly growing.

The spirit needs nourishment just like our bodies.

It needs wood or good quality thoughts, ideas and beliefs

to grow big and strong.

You can’t stop feeding it. A fire needs constant tending.

But that fire protects you from the wild beasts,

keeps you warm

and enables you to see your environment.

The fire can help you make food,

as the fire is also a tool.

That inner flame inside of you, keeps you alive.

It’s a tool to be used.

When you keep that tool sharp, it can produce many useful things.

Don’t let your inner flame go out.

This Little Light Of Mine Hymn

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Won’t let Satan blow it out.
I’m gonna let it shine.
Won’t let Satan blow it out.
I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Let it shine til Jesus comes.
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine til Jesus comes.
I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel – NO!
I’m gonna let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel – NO!
I’m gonna let it shine, Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Let it shine over the whole wide world,
I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine over the whole wide world,

I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

 

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