Monthly Archives: July 2018

The Dream That Spoke To My Spirit

I had a dream last night

that dream spoke to the depths of my soul

and ignited my spirit ablaze.

A quiet anger, contemplative thoughts

that propelled me to free fall into the ocean of my

pain.

And in that pain I found an answer.

I found the answer I was looking for and a solution that requires nothing more than

me being my authentic self.

I remember reading about the Samaritan woman and Jesus telling her

a day will come when we will worship as we are.

Casting down all that keeps us looking clean and untouched on the outside.

I realized the beauty of brokenness and approaching God hurt and busted.

The awesomeness of approaching God angry.

In my mess, all I could do was cry out. All I could do was cry.

You see, we have to pretend we have it all figured out. We have to pretend

“fake it till we make it”, pretend we love people, put on a stupid show and everyone

is festering and rotting on the inside. We have dead eyes and fake smiles, lukewarm handshakes, show off hallelujahs ….

where are people that are willing to go up to the altar broken.

Where are the people willing to wail and cry before God?

Where are those that are mad, confused, hurt and battered?

Where are those weary and faint?

Where are the lame, the weak, the widowed and the fatherless?

Where are the poor and the hungry?

Where are the forgotten, abandoned and rejected?

Where are the sinners and the backsliders?

Truth be told, they are right here. You and me.

And yet, we pretend to be everything we are not.

We are told that we must come to God perfect, we must always be perfect

and yet, people are sharing false doctrine, feel good gospel and promise of prosperity.

We are feeding the shepard but the shepard isn’t feeding the flock.  The sheep has to protect the shepard, but the shepard let’s his sheep wander off.  If you are the so called keeper of our souls, why are we keeping yours? Don’t elevate yourself to the place where only God can sit.

We hold spiritual gifts as markers of conversion but not fruit. We bribe God with tithes and offerings.

We dangle our faults and our lack thereof as a way to boast of how spiritual we are.

We pretend, go to church, get angry, gossip, undermine and hurt each other only to continue that cycle.

We tolerate abuse and injustice in the name of Christ, when there are times when we must stand up against injustice and abuse!

Who are we?

My dream opened the flood gates of my mind and heart

and I am flying among the things I can no longer tolerate.

This is what change does. It’s not always clear cut and comforting.

Sometimes it’s dirty, like child birth : bloody, painful and yet, rewarding.

I want to believe I’m free.

I must believe I’m free.

The dream that will change everything.

 

There Is No Formula

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

You can’t approach God like a math problem to be solved.

You can’t find steps in the Bible, apply them, and expect an outcome.

I know people say you can, and preach about it…maybe it works for them,

but for me, that’s not the case. I didn’t find peace after praying. I didn’t even find joy in it.

I didn’t find immediate comfort after reading the bible, or seeking prayer from other Christians.

The only thing I did was wait.  I mean, seriously, I couldn’t manipulate the situation or change my feelings. I couldn’t fake happiness or joy. I couldn’t just think positively and fake it till I made it. I had to just sit in all of it and wait.

I couldn’t manipulate, convince or negotiate with God. I couldn’t get Him to do what I wanted with any of my actions.

I just woke up today feeling joyful. I stopped caring about a lot of things and just left it alone. I desperately needed rest. I rested for almost two months. In those two months I was miserable and overwhelmed. I tried everything : praying, crying, asking for advice, seeking prayer from Churches and Christians, singing, YOU NAME IT. Nothing worked.

Will I always feel joyful? I think I can but feelings are fleeting. People say joy isn’t influenced by our circumstances. It’s somewhat true but who can be joyful when something bad is happening at the moment? I mean, I want to believe that there is a time and a place for sorrow and joy. You can’t expect to be happy or joyful all the time. I think faith requires more than that. That you can be as hopeless as Job and Elijah in their seasons of struggle but still hold on to God.

God gave Elijah rest. Resting is so important. We fear losing everything if we rest but resting requires faith that God will take care of us. I had to let go of my need to control, plan and prosper and just rest.

Life can be tough. LIFE IS TOUGH. So why complicate it any more than it is. Hard work and rest has their due time and season.

There is no formula for joy. Just be alive and you’ll experience many different emotions, feelings and state of mind. The only hope we have is that we know God is real, He hears prayers and that He is the source of our well-being. I guess joy is just simply who you put your trust in.

Until next time,

You are loved…

Photo by Skye Studios on Unsplash

Photo by Skye Studios on Unsplash

Even if the whole world misunderstands you, judges you, hates you, rejects you, mistreats you, and you feel unloved, that’s OK. Your feelings are a byproduct of how you were treated. It doesn’t make you inferior or self-hating. We are humans and we bleed and cry and hurt.

People will kick you while you are down. They will tell you it’s all your fault. They will tell you that somehow you did something to make people treat you that way. You will shoulder all the burdens of other people’s actions, even if you have done nothing wrong.

New age false doctrine of how you can control how people treat you.

Where in the Bible do we see such things? Many times we are warned that we will suffer because of others. When were we ever called to take on that burden as a fault of our own?

Don’t worry, I’m giving you permission to cry. You have all the right to be upset, to feel pain. You have all the right to be sad. No one is happy all the time and true deliverance comes when you admit there is a problem.

But, let me remind you, as a loving friend would, that you are loved. You are loved by God. He sees your tears and your pain. You do not need to holler and scream worship music if you don’t feel like it. Sit with God quietly. Cry to God. Bare your hurts to him. He will comfort you.

And when he renews your strength you will rise up and smile again. You will find joy and peace once more.

This isn’t about those people that hurt you or even the people that misjudged you when you asked for help. It’s about you and God. He is better than any earthly friend. Better than a lover. He can mend a broken heart. He understands you better than anyone else can.

He will validate your feelings, other times correct you, all the time guide you and restore your strength.

There are hills and valleys in this journey with Christ. Sanctification, the pruning process, is difficult and painful.

You will begin to learn how to totally depend on God and walk with him. That your perfection or lack thereof means nothing. It’s all about trusting and having faith and it is then, that your life will change and take shape.

Human beings cannot replace God. Neither the things you strive for in life. These things will never ever touch the depths of your heart like God can.

So truly know that it’s okay and you’ll be OK.

 

With much love,