Tag Archives: Anger

How God Used Web Development To Prune Me

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

It’s about time I talk about my journey in Web Development. If you follow me on twitter, you will see tweets about events I’ve attended, splashed here and there.

My journey started in late 2017. I learned HTML, CSS and JavaScript fundamentals in a class setting. It was an amazing experience. I fell in love with code: mainly design (JavaScript kicks my butt, but I haven’t given up) and I’m now learning WordPress and PHP.

I learned so much over the span of this experience. It was difficult. At first, it was like a dream. I was excited and dedicated. Then life hit me, and I had to make decisions that challenged my faith.

I mentioned in a previous post about attending a Boot Camp. Well, that was an eye opening experience in itself. I want to start of by saying that the aim of this post is to serve as a source of  encouragement and also a teaching lesson. I almost lost everything – including my life – BUT it was all God’s plan and it was only at this moment that I could fully accept this as truth.

You might remember my angry posts. My posts about not being happy and losing joy. I was in a very dark place. I was worried I lost everything – all that God had given me – over something so stupid.

I won’t get into details over what that thing was but the root of it was – I wasn’t solid in my understanding of who God is. This was a teaching moment for me and God was going to let me fall on my face so I could understand.

We must be rooted in God’s love for us. My greatest fear happened to me and I was thrown off course. I was upset – I questioned God. How could He allow the very thing I was trying to avoid. I was content with where I was and where I was going. I was content with the future I had planned out for myself. It was as if God led me right into my fears and then left me alone to see how I would respond. Prayers were not answered: I ran to and fro to anyone that could give me counsel. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

by: Tim Mossholder

by: Tim Mossholder

I began to doubt God’s love for me and my heart grew dark. I was angry with God. I wanted to shut down my blog – I felt as if I was living a lie. How could I write about joy when my joy is gone? I knew I had to be honest. I knew I couldn’t lie about how I was feeling.

The boot-camp was not the thing that made me angry with God, but because I was angry, I couldn’t hear God’s voice. God’s voice leads us in our choices in life. Well, my spiritual ears were blocked so I couldn’t hear or recognize that God was telling me not to go.

I worked so hard for this opportunity. Every door slammed in my face during admissions. I finally made it to the end and awaited judgement. Verdict: access denied. I was so upset. I worked so hard just to push down every door that closed in my face. I received a call back, saying a spot was opened that I can fill. I accepted but I wasn’t able to celebrate with sincerity. Honestly, at this point, I was so upset with God that I threw everything out the window. I stopped praying, etc and I was beginning to revert to a part of me I didn’t like. I tried to tell myself this was a miracle – but deep down I wasn’t so sure this was God opening a door for me. It felt more like He gave me what I wanted because I threw a horrible tantrum.

Everything was fine in the beginning. I had this major distraction in my life. It was a person. I realized that every time I’m about to do something important in life – a distraction comes my way in the form of a person. This person undermined everything I sought out to accomplish. At first, person was nice and sweet but over time, person began to chip away at my core beliefs. Person tore me down. I made excuses for person. I thought person was my friend and had my back. I want to warn you: be cautious of who you allow in your inner circle. Be cautious of who you share your inner thoughts and feelings. Some people may appear to be kind and loving but their agenda is to destroy you. They might not even know that they are doing it. Remember, we are fighting a spiritual battle. Sampson , a mighty Judge , was cut down and his destiny cut short because he allowed Delilah to wear him down and expose his weakness. Our enemy is Satan. He sends people – like the Philistines sent Delilah – to uncover your weaknesses. They pose as a friend or a lover – someone you should trust.

Everything became chaotic in my life. It has always been chaotic but because I had lost sight of Christ, the chaos began to affect me. Let’s just say I was a mess. At this point, I wanted to give up on life. I had reached my limit and I was tired. It felt as if all of heaven and earth was against me and I was fighting to survive. Desperate – but cautious – I visited a local church because people were nagging me to fellowship with other Christians. This too was another distraction. You might say : but isn’t fellowship with other Christians a good thing? Not always. Again, not all people that say they are Christians, really are. Christians are also human beings that struggle with sin tenancies, some that are not too pleasant to be around. Then there are others that believe in false doctrine.

Honestly, I believe what happened to me was for a reason. I had to see first hand a lie that is floating around in the Body of Christ and allow God to show me the truth in his word. Some churches are so focused on hyper spirituality that they forget to serve the people. Assembly line prayers – I reached out for prayer and all I got was judgement. Prayer full of judgement and when I sought out a listening ear I was told that I needed to sit down because I was already prayed for. I was appalled. I left the building with a sense of emptiness. It was then that I grit my teeth and said to myself : WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!

I got really quiet in my spirit and started cutting people out of my life – again. One by one, I closed the door without a word. I did not care who was confused or upset. I was not concerned with pleasing others – I was focused on getting better. While I was cutting people out, I dropped out of the boot-camp. At the time, I was very sad but I knew I had to. It was the best decision I made that year. I spent 2 months recovering – I stopped coding, tended to my weary body and started praying again. It was a painful process – I was very run down.

God began to speak again, or rather, I was able to hear his voice. He comforted me in ways no one else could. When I opened my heart to see the filth inside of it, God cleaned it up and then told me what He was doing. You see, it was his plan the whole time. I had a lot of inner issues I needed to deal with. I realized I had a lot of beliefs that were not really my own. I just accepted them because I accepted the label of Christianity. I learned about the bondage of guilt and shame and that Christ died to get rid of that. He doesn’t want us walking around with guilt and shame. He doesn’t want us to repay for our sins – he already paid for it. But I was walking around with so much baggage – trying to live holy, not because It truly came from my heart, but because I thought it would compensate for my short comings. I also allowed people to heap on burdens on me. I allowed people to wear me down. God held up a mirror and showed me my true identity, outside of the garbage people kept dumping on me. It was then that I knew what He wanted me to do. The vision of my life became clear and my joy returned.

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Now my joy is rooted and grounded even more in God’s love. God was pruning me. It is an unpleasant experience but don’t give up. God showed me my growth: instead of completely running away from him, I told him that I would wait for him in my anger. I had to go through the pain and turmoil of my negative emotions. I didn’t run away.

I can now share this experience with the hope of encouraging you to keep the faith. Embrace the pain, the frustration, the anger and the confusion. Like David said ” wait on the Lord.” Sometimes you do everything a good christian is suppose to do and it’s not enough. We cannot manipulate the situation – all we can do is wait on God to teach us and renew us in time.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

God is refining us. I am no longer bound by the garbage people try to throw at me. I am no longer bound by my preconceived notions about how my life should be – I’m free to accept every good blessing from God. I am free to be myself without shame. I was willing to lose everything I worked hard for to have God and he turned around and gave me so much more.

Love, peace and joy are worth so much more than money and prestige. It’s worth more than any earthly relationship and it’s a true blessing from God. Seek after it with all you have and you will have all that you need.

Please let me know in the comments of how God has pruned you? What did you learn?

Until next time,

Ya Bettah Know Who You Be!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Let me tell you something guys!

Let me warn you! If you don’t know who you are and what you want in this world, people will dictate it for you!

I know what I want is typically unusual and I sometimes act really quirky and odd, but I embrace who I am!

If you have a title or a position in church, please, I beg of you to be careful of what you pray over people. I leave every time feeling misunderstood and alone. No one gets me. They assume everything about me but no one ever sat down to talk with me and get to know me and why I’m there. It was then, that I realize that some churches are not what they are suppose to be.

I left feeling horrible, not uplifted. No one came to ask me how I felt or if I wanted to talk. They just left me there.

My walk with God is lonely.  No one cares to hear my story. No one cares to listen. So, I bottle it all up inside. It wasn’t until a few moments ago that I realized something powerful. Every time someone tries to put me down or tell me who I am, that is when I know I’m on the right track. Every time that happens, something good comes out of their negative words.

We are to uplift not tear down.

I held on to every single dream I had in my heart. I told some people and they tried to discourage me or tell me why I can’t do it.  I’ve been misjudged by those I cared about. They choose not to love and encourage me but to kick me when I was down. This came from various people, whether in church or not.

The greatest thing I have is my faith and integrity. Without these two things, I am nothing.

Faith doesn’t equate perfection. I will tell you I had my moments of doubt. I had my moments where I wanted to die and give up. Life was just too unbearable. Suffering is inevitable.

But this time around, despite my nonsense, despite the pain, I held on to God. I was angry with Him, but I didn’t run away from Him. I stood still in my anger and raged through it. I experienced every single feeling: from anger to hopelessness to despair.

I can honestly say that today, I feel a lot better. It happened through a small prayer in bed before I fell asleep. I admitted that I was wrong and I simply said I will no longer fear anything.

It was that simple. I mean seriously, it was just that simple. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, in terms of my mood, but I will take it a day at a time.

The Christian walk is marked by ups and downs. I decided not to hold on to the guilt of missing the mark but to embrace the grace that Christ had died for. I admitted I was wrong and that I needed Christ Daily.

I also found an article that reminded me just how important spiritual discipline is. I became overwhelmed with trying to better my life, but everything flows from my spiritual health. Not physical, mental or emotional health but my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. Everything flows from God.

He gives us wisdom and understanding. He directs where we go and influences the decisions we make. He sets things in order, behind the scenes. He ordains our future and destiny.

Without Him, our efforts are empty. Personally, without Him I can’t even survive. Literally, God has become the very essence of my well-being. I don’t feel healthy without Him. I begin to wither and die like a plant.

The source of my joy is right relationship with Him. My heart became dirty with disappointment and fear. I was too busy to read the bible, pray or even worship through song. God was literally squeezed out of my life because I had too much going on.

I also blamed Him for certain things in my life, instead of trusting that all things will work together for my good.

Despite all of my failures, God has kept me and given me peace this day. It took a bad situation for me to see the truth. I must always remind myself of  who God is and what I know about myself.

I will never be loud or arrogant to prove anything to anyone. I will quietly leave my mark on this earth. I want to be known as the Woman that loved God and walked with Him. For in my weaknesses, He is gloried and in my victories, He is declared King.

Those that love you, will seek to understand you. As Christians, we are called to love one another. That means to truly get to know those we are serving and in fellowship with. Not judging them, putting them in a box and then tossing them aside to move on. Truly connect with people and help them where they are.

 

That is all for now,

 

Established in Faith: What Do You Truly Know About God?

nikko-macaspac-263785

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

It’s way too easy to lose your way…

A subtlety in your heart…

It’s funny because you won’t even know it’s there, or if you do know, you will try to rationalize it away.

Then one day you wake up and find yourself in a big mess and wonder how you got there.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the rat race. It’s easy to get caught up in things that will someday fade away.

God told me yesterday : remember when I healed you? How you walked with me day by day, moment by moment? How you asked ME for help and strength to get through the day. But now you say ” How am I going to do this?”

It was obvious now, I had slowly pushed God out of the way and relied on my own strength. In turn, I have grown very tired in every area of my life.

It was a slow thing. I became busy and spent less time in prayer and bible study. I said, I’ll do it tomorrow but when tomorrow came, I was again, too busy.

Then a stumbling block presented itself: my own heart. I was defenseless but God kept telling me what to do. I prayed so hard but my own heart was hardening. My view of God was inaccurate. I felt He was playing a cruel joke on me. “Why is this happening to me”, I asked.

I prayed and sought help but more and more the rage and bitterness in my heart grew. I was warned that this was not the way to go. I was mad at God. I prayed, I sought him, I asked him to protect me but he didn’t. I felt let down and It was then that I no longer wanted to trust that he cared and loved me.

I found myself in a mess. When my heart grew dark and cold, my joy and peace were the first to leave. I tried so many remedies but not even prayer worked.

Then to make matters worse, something I was working very hard for, failed. I was devastated. It was the final straw. God truly let me down. I shut down. I was numb, full of anger. Fear crept in and clouded my mind and judgement.

At the end, I decided that I wanted to talk to God. I missed him. I didn’t feel like myself – this is not who I am. So I prayed. It was then that I remembered the word established.

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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I looked up established in faith:

There are two ways to stay established or committed to God: Prayer and Bible study.

The very things that I stopped doing from the beginning. I was too busy to put God first.

It was then, when I decided to let go of that thing I held on to, that I experienced peace. I remembered that when I told God that I accept being sick and will serve Him with my life – that’s when He healed me. I was prepared: washed my face, fixed my hair. I was determined to serve God for the rest of my life sick , but He healed me instead.

Honestly, I do not take that for granted. It bothered me, in my anger towards God, why I couldn’t let that miracle remind me of the goodness of God. I wanted this thing so badly, not realizing that God is sovereign and in complete control. He is my provider – He will sustain me. He gives me favor even if I am unqualified, for his glory and purpose. I relied on this thing and my effort and not him. He is showing me, through miracles, that He is God with all power, wisdom and knowledge.

In the midst of my sin, He comforted me. He said he isn’t judging me. He said he loves me. He asked me to come back to him and bare my heart to him. I must guard my heart from anger and bitter emotions, but I must also guard my mind from false opinion of God. He is full of grace, gentle and kind. In this, I realized that I was judging myself, worrying what other people would think of me, instead of knowing and trusting how God sees me.

I learned that I could’ve died in my sin – chasing after things that , in the long – term, means nothing. Don’t allow people, status, a career, or an opportunity, rob you of  your salvation and eternal life. Don’t allow these things to trip up your walk with God.

Put God first in all you do. Stay connected to God and bare your heart to him. Faith produces patience to wait on God, even if it seems like he is taking forever. Remember what he as done for you in the past and search the scriptures for examples of how God acts on the behalf of his people.

I can say now, with confidence that I am restored. My blessing will follow as such: a double portion of joy, peace, hope and faith. These are the things my heart now longs for but most of all I am just happy that I have my Christ back.

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Trust God Even When It Hurts!

I realized in my anger towards God and the confusion around what He is asking me to do, that it all boils down to a lack of trust. Half submission. I want to know everything, why I’m doing it and if it will benefit me in the end. I become discouraged and frustrated when things do not go my way. I over-calculate and want everything to happen and flow exactly how I planned. Life is not that way. People cannot be controlled. Situations change. Trust requires us to be flexible with the outcome. It requires us to bend. It requires us to be obedient even if we don’t see the fruit of our labor today. We might never see it. Maybe the next generations will. Maybe my prayers for this specific person isn’t for me but for someone else. But I would be doing someone such a lovely thing , praying for someone is the best gift you can give them because God is everything we need and He knows how to meet every need.

When I am so caught up in my own world, how things will benefit me in the end, I allow fear to keep me from expressing true love. Do good, pray for others , even if you get NOTHING out of it! There will always be people that don’t mean us well, dangerous and risky situations…and yes…even people that do love us. We do need to know and recognize who is who, but at the end of the day, if we spend so much time protecting ourselves, we will never have time to love others! To experience true joy! The Bible tells us over and over that God is our strong tower and that He is fighting for us.

I wont willingly run into danger but if danger meets me on my road to Christ, I will stand on His word that He will see me through.

Don’t feel guilty for having doubt, fears or worries, but one thing I you must always do is bring every care to Christ. Tell him what is going on. He is faithful to open your eyes to the truth and that truth will faithfully set you free!

So, I will be obedient to what tells me even if it hurts. God knows why He asks me to do certain things and I can only trust that it will help someone in the end. Not my will but yours be done.

 

Tug-Of-War

Sometimes it must all crash down before you can move on. Just like Paul and Barnabas and their fight before their seperation, we too will go through seperations. Seperation from people, thoughts, beliefs, circumstances that have become outdated, clash or is simply toxic. God did not reprimand those two. There was no part in the bible where God said what had happened was incorrect. They had a fight too. Have you ever felt guilty for arguing with someone? Sometimes I ask myself why? We as human beings will disagree. We will fight and argue. But one thing you must ask yourself: am I and this person willing to come to an agreement? Are we willing to fight for each other. To understand one another? If not, seperate. No hard feelings, just go. When you’ve reached the end of the line, when you can no longer bear the stress of that tug-of-war just simply let go. There is nothing in the bible that condemns us if we decide to leave a very unhealthy relationship. You trust and serve God not man. God might call you to witness to many people but the dynamics of witnessing and a relationship are very different. If two people are not willing to put in the work, if there is always strife, always tears, always fear;.the bible says it is better to live in peace than to live in strife. It doesn’t make you a wonderful person by continously going back to someone who you will eventually fight with. Kindly say to yourself “This is it.” It is done. It isn’t hate or a sin to remove yourself from bad or toxic company. Don’t let guilt or fear keep you from surrounding yourself with people who will bring out the best in you.

You will know when there is love around you. Paul describes love for us: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV) 

Just ask yourself: are my relationships reflecting the love that paul describes? Have I tried to communicate these things and were they reciprocated?

If not, you must evaluate if this relationship should be continued.

I won’t be silenced.

I will not be silenced

told when to speak

by you!

Close your ears and hide if you must

for my words speak truths that

haunt you at night.

 

Everything I represent

exposes the lies that you embody

I shall never be silenced!

 

Shut me up

and my legacy

will ooze from my pores

and come to life

in another form.

 

Everything I am

fuels the jealousy inside

you can’t hide

from your own worthlessness

simply because you refuse

to see your own worth

and elevate yourself

to mountain peek.

 

Don’t blame me for your misery

as truth hurts.

Do something about it

and change your world.

If not, you will be consumed

by your own inner darkness.

You Are Known By Your Fruit…

I always hear people say  ” You are a Christian aren’t you suppose to be loving?”  While this is true, those making this statement go to great lengths retaliating out of anger. If you know how a Christian should act and think you know better, why not show it?

I think it’s best to correct in love. We are ALL HUMANS. We make mistakes. It takes mature people to move past hurts and slights and come together in love and friendship. We might not always act in a loving way but A kind word turns away wrath Proverbs 15:1.  So we are ALL responsible for maturity.

There is a big responsibility within the Body of Christ to be loving, forgiving and true to the Gospel of Christ. We have much more at stake and should focus our attention on the Kingdom of Righteousness than a silly little argument or disagreement.

However, not everyone is easy to live with. When you have exhausted yourself, you are at leeway to escape. Yes, escape. Rather save yourself the frustration and the pain. You can’t fix anyone-that’s God’s job.

Christ commanded us to lose ourselves to gain everything. What do we gain? Not only do we gain Salvation and eternal life but also the Fruits of the Holy Spirit: love joy peace patience kindness and faithfulness.

The world is looking at us. We claim we know the truth so we must show it. I know for a fact that most people claiming to be Christians are not. Tradition doesn’t make you a follower of Christ. A personal relationship with Christ does. Total surrender does. We will be known by our fruits.

God help me to be that woman. A woman of fruit.

Clouds Will Go Away

Clouds will go away

Once you stop feeding them the rain

You feed laughter with joy

And you kill anger with kindness

There is a cycle for everything on this earth

Sometimes, there is a time for people to fall apart,

So that they can grow and become who they need to be.

A tug on each end, opposite directions

You realized you have outgrown a friend.

And nothing you both do can rewind broken time.

A screeching halt and your ears start to bleed

You don’t want to hear it…

That it’s time for the end…

But leaves must fall so new ones can be ready for spring….

By: Merrishel