Tag Archives: Bad days

You’re Almost There

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Don’t give up, you’re almost there.

These are the words that ring through my head on a cold Sunday night.

Faced with opposition and the coming of a storm, the natural reaction is to either run in fear or shut down. It’s natural to want to give up or go another direction.

God revealed to me a very vague blue print of my current season. It was in that blue print that I found direction, comfort and peace. I had many opposition and trials but I stood firm on the foundation of God’s word.

However, the incident before me is greater than any I could imagine. Sort of like a tsunami that I  can see from the distance. It’s right over my head and there is no escape. The normal reaction is to either run or shut down but my spirit woman is saying to grab something flat and learn how to surf. I have no swimming experience. I’m out of shape and agility and balance is out of the question. I can’t consult YouTube , google or even another person. I just have to pick up the board and ride the waves. I have to be observant, deliberate and then just hop on. I have to study the waves, maybe I’ll be washed out, maybe I’ll drown . But there is another likelihood that i’ll find my footing and find myself the queen of the waves.

You are almost there.

Whatever you are doing – if God told you to do it, don’t let it go. Don’t give it up, even if you find yourself losing resources, support etc., just keep going! Don’t lose sight of the vision and trust that God will get you there. If He said it, He will do it. God is faithful to perform his word!

Have faith!

Hebrews 11: 1:

Faith shows the reality of what we hope for ; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. NLT.

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation’under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. MSG V 1-2

Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality – faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses]. AMP

God requires our faith to serve and honor him. He gives us a dream or a destination and it will take all of his children great faith to get there. No Christian life is marked by comfort. All true Christians will have to leave their comfort zones and give up everything for Christ.

Have faith and believe in his word! Don’t allow anything in life stop you!

 

How God Used Web Development To Prune Me

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

It’s about time I talk about my journey in Web Development. If you follow me on twitter, you will see tweets about events I’ve attended, splashed here and there.

My journey started in late 2017. I learned HTML, CSS and JavaScript fundamentals in a class setting. It was an amazing experience. I fell in love with code: mainly design (JavaScript kicks my butt, but I haven’t given up) and I’m now learning WordPress and PHP.

I learned so much over the span of this experience. It was difficult. At first, it was like a dream. I was excited and dedicated. Then life hit me, and I had to make decisions that challenged my faith.

I mentioned in a previous post about attending a Boot Camp. Well, that was an eye opening experience in itself. I want to start of by saying that the aim of this post is to serve as a source of  encouragement and also a teaching lesson. I almost lost everything – including my life – BUT it was all God’s plan and it was only at this moment that I could fully accept this as truth.

You might remember my angry posts. My posts about not being happy and losing joy. I was in a very dark place. I was worried I lost everything – all that God had given me – over something so stupid.

I won’t get into details over what that thing was but the root of it was – I wasn’t solid in my understanding of who God is. This was a teaching moment for me and God was going to let me fall on my face so I could understand.

We must be rooted in God’s love for us. My greatest fear happened to me and I was thrown off course. I was upset – I questioned God. How could He allow the very thing I was trying to avoid. I was content with where I was and where I was going. I was content with the future I had planned out for myself. It was as if God led me right into my fears and then left me alone to see how I would respond. Prayers were not answered: I ran to and fro to anyone that could give me counsel. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

by: Tim Mossholder

by: Tim Mossholder

I began to doubt God’s love for me and my heart grew dark. I was angry with God. I wanted to shut down my blog – I felt as if I was living a lie. How could I write about joy when my joy is gone? I knew I had to be honest. I knew I couldn’t lie about how I was feeling.

The boot-camp was not the thing that made me angry with God, but because I was angry, I couldn’t hear God’s voice. God’s voice leads us in our choices in life. Well, my spiritual ears were blocked so I couldn’t hear or recognize that God was telling me not to go.

I worked so hard for this opportunity. Every door slammed in my face during admissions. I finally made it to the end and awaited judgement. Verdict: access denied. I was so upset. I worked so hard just to push down every door that closed in my face. I received a call back, saying a spot was opened that I can fill. I accepted but I wasn’t able to celebrate with sincerity. Honestly, at this point, I was so upset with God that I threw everything out the window. I stopped praying, etc and I was beginning to revert to a part of me I didn’t like. I tried to tell myself this was a miracle – but deep down I wasn’t so sure this was God opening a door for me. It felt more like He gave me what I wanted because I threw a horrible tantrum.

Everything was fine in the beginning. I had this major distraction in my life. It was a person. I realized that every time I’m about to do something important in life – a distraction comes my way in the form of a person. This person undermined everything I sought out to accomplish. At first, person was nice and sweet but over time, person began to chip away at my core beliefs. Person tore me down. I made excuses for person. I thought person was my friend and had my back. I want to warn you: be cautious of who you allow in your inner circle. Be cautious of who you share your inner thoughts and feelings. Some people may appear to be kind and loving but their agenda is to destroy you. They might not even know that they are doing it. Remember, we are fighting a spiritual battle. Sampson , a mighty Judge , was cut down and his destiny cut short because he allowed Delilah to wear him down and expose his weakness. Our enemy is Satan. He sends people – like the Philistines sent Delilah – to uncover your weaknesses. They pose as a friend or a lover – someone you should trust.

Everything became chaotic in my life. It has always been chaotic but because I had lost sight of Christ, the chaos began to affect me. Let’s just say I was a mess. At this point, I wanted to give up on life. I had reached my limit and I was tired. It felt as if all of heaven and earth was against me and I was fighting to survive. Desperate – but cautious – I visited a local church because people were nagging me to fellowship with other Christians. This too was another distraction. You might say : but isn’t fellowship with other Christians a good thing? Not always. Again, not all people that say they are Christians, really are. Christians are also human beings that struggle with sin tenancies, some that are not too pleasant to be around. Then there are others that believe in false doctrine.

Honestly, I believe what happened to me was for a reason. I had to see first hand a lie that is floating around in the Body of Christ and allow God to show me the truth in his word. Some churches are so focused on hyper spirituality that they forget to serve the people. Assembly line prayers – I reached out for prayer and all I got was judgement. Prayer full of judgement and when I sought out a listening ear I was told that I needed to sit down because I was already prayed for. I was appalled. I left the building with a sense of emptiness. It was then that I grit my teeth and said to myself : WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!

I got really quiet in my spirit and started cutting people out of my life – again. One by one, I closed the door without a word. I did not care who was confused or upset. I was not concerned with pleasing others – I was focused on getting better. While I was cutting people out, I dropped out of the boot-camp. At the time, I was very sad but I knew I had to. It was the best decision I made that year. I spent 2 months recovering – I stopped coding, tended to my weary body and started praying again. It was a painful process – I was very run down.

God began to speak again, or rather, I was able to hear his voice. He comforted me in ways no one else could. When I opened my heart to see the filth inside of it, God cleaned it up and then told me what He was doing. You see, it was his plan the whole time. I had a lot of inner issues I needed to deal with. I realized I had a lot of beliefs that were not really my own. I just accepted them because I accepted the label of Christianity. I learned about the bondage of guilt and shame and that Christ died to get rid of that. He doesn’t want us walking around with guilt and shame. He doesn’t want us to repay for our sins – he already paid for it. But I was walking around with so much baggage – trying to live holy, not because It truly came from my heart, but because I thought it would compensate for my short comings. I also allowed people to heap on burdens on me. I allowed people to wear me down. God held up a mirror and showed me my true identity, outside of the garbage people kept dumping on me. It was then that I knew what He wanted me to do. The vision of my life became clear and my joy returned.

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Now my joy is rooted and grounded even more in God’s love. God was pruning me. It is an unpleasant experience but don’t give up. God showed me my growth: instead of completely running away from him, I told him that I would wait for him in my anger. I had to go through the pain and turmoil of my negative emotions. I didn’t run away.

I can now share this experience with the hope of encouraging you to keep the faith. Embrace the pain, the frustration, the anger and the confusion. Like David said ” wait on the Lord.” Sometimes you do everything a good christian is suppose to do and it’s not enough. We cannot manipulate the situation – all we can do is wait on God to teach us and renew us in time.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

God is refining us. I am no longer bound by the garbage people try to throw at me. I am no longer bound by my preconceived notions about how my life should be – I’m free to accept every good blessing from God. I am free to be myself without shame. I was willing to lose everything I worked hard for to have God and he turned around and gave me so much more.

Love, peace and joy are worth so much more than money and prestige. It’s worth more than any earthly relationship and it’s a true blessing from God. Seek after it with all you have and you will have all that you need.

Please let me know in the comments of how God has pruned you? What did you learn?

Until next time,

You are loved…

Photo by Skye Studios on Unsplash

Photo by Skye Studios on Unsplash

Even if the whole world misunderstands you, judges you, hates you, rejects you, mistreats you, and you feel unloved, that’s OK. Your feelings are a byproduct of how you were treated. It doesn’t make you inferior or self-hating. We are humans and we bleed and cry and hurt.

People will kick you while you are down. They will tell you it’s all your fault. They will tell you that somehow you did something to make people treat you that way. You will shoulder all the burdens of other people’s actions, even if you have done nothing wrong.

New age false doctrine of how you can control how people treat you.

Where in the Bible do we see such things? Many times we are warned that we will suffer because of others. When were we ever called to take on that burden as a fault of our own?

Don’t worry, I’m giving you permission to cry. You have all the right to be upset, to feel pain. You have all the right to be sad. No one is happy all the time and true deliverance comes when you admit there is a problem.

But, let me remind you, as a loving friend would, that you are loved. You are loved by God. He sees your tears and your pain. You do not need to holler and scream worship music if you don’t feel like it. Sit with God quietly. Cry to God. Bare your hurts to him. He will comfort you.

And when he renews your strength you will rise up and smile again. You will find joy and peace once more.

This isn’t about those people that hurt you or even the people that misjudged you when you asked for help. It’s about you and God. He is better than any earthly friend. Better than a lover. He can mend a broken heart. He understands you better than anyone else can.

He will validate your feelings, other times correct you, all the time guide you and restore your strength.

There are hills and valleys in this journey with Christ. Sanctification, the pruning process, is difficult and painful.

You will begin to learn how to totally depend on God and walk with him. That your perfection or lack thereof means nothing. It’s all about trusting and having faith and it is then, that your life will change and take shape.

Human beings cannot replace God. Neither the things you strive for in life. These things will never ever touch the depths of your heart like God can.

So truly know that it’s okay and you’ll be OK.

 

With much love,

Ya Bettah Know Who You Be!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Let me tell you something guys!

Let me warn you! If you don’t know who you are and what you want in this world, people will dictate it for you!

I know what I want is typically unusual and I sometimes act really quirky and odd, but I embrace who I am!

If you have a title or a position in church, please, I beg of you to be careful of what you pray over people. I leave every time feeling misunderstood and alone. No one gets me. They assume everything about me but no one ever sat down to talk with me and get to know me and why I’m there. It was then, that I realize that some churches are not what they are suppose to be.

I left feeling horrible, not uplifted. No one came to ask me how I felt or if I wanted to talk. They just left me there.

My walk with God is lonely.  No one cares to hear my story. No one cares to listen. So, I bottle it all up inside. It wasn’t until a few moments ago that I realized something powerful. Every time someone tries to put me down or tell me who I am, that is when I know I’m on the right track. Every time that happens, something good comes out of their negative words.

We are to uplift not tear down.

I held on to every single dream I had in my heart. I told some people and they tried to discourage me or tell me why I can’t do it.  I’ve been misjudged by those I cared about. They choose not to love and encourage me but to kick me when I was down. This came from various people, whether in church or not.

The greatest thing I have is my faith and integrity. Without these two things, I am nothing.

Faith doesn’t equate perfection. I will tell you I had my moments of doubt. I had my moments where I wanted to die and give up. Life was just too unbearable. Suffering is inevitable.

But this time around, despite my nonsense, despite the pain, I held on to God. I was angry with Him, but I didn’t run away from Him. I stood still in my anger and raged through it. I experienced every single feeling: from anger to hopelessness to despair.

I can honestly say that today, I feel a lot better. It happened through a small prayer in bed before I fell asleep. I admitted that I was wrong and I simply said I will no longer fear anything.

It was that simple. I mean seriously, it was just that simple. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, in terms of my mood, but I will take it a day at a time.

The Christian walk is marked by ups and downs. I decided not to hold on to the guilt of missing the mark but to embrace the grace that Christ had died for. I admitted I was wrong and that I needed Christ Daily.

I also found an article that reminded me just how important spiritual discipline is. I became overwhelmed with trying to better my life, but everything flows from my spiritual health. Not physical, mental or emotional health but my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. Everything flows from God.

He gives us wisdom and understanding. He directs where we go and influences the decisions we make. He sets things in order, behind the scenes. He ordains our future and destiny.

Without Him, our efforts are empty. Personally, without Him I can’t even survive. Literally, God has become the very essence of my well-being. I don’t feel healthy without Him. I begin to wither and die like a plant.

The source of my joy is right relationship with Him. My heart became dirty with disappointment and fear. I was too busy to read the bible, pray or even worship through song. God was literally squeezed out of my life because I had too much going on.

I also blamed Him for certain things in my life, instead of trusting that all things will work together for my good.

Despite all of my failures, God has kept me and given me peace this day. It took a bad situation for me to see the truth. I must always remind myself of  who God is and what I know about myself.

I will never be loud or arrogant to prove anything to anyone. I will quietly leave my mark on this earth. I want to be known as the Woman that loved God and walked with Him. For in my weaknesses, He is gloried and in my victories, He is declared King.

Those that love you, will seek to understand you. As Christians, we are called to love one another. That means to truly get to know those we are serving and in fellowship with. Not judging them, putting them in a box and then tossing them aside to move on. Truly connect with people and help them where they are.

 

That is all for now,

 

Finding Joy In Seperation

I am throwing down the plans for my own life. There has been a great conviction since the beginning to obey. And so finally after 5 months, I obeyed.

My heart is heavy. I am holding back tears. I thought that every time we do something for God we should experience joy and a fiery passion but right now I’m feeling pain and sorrow. I feel like I’ve lost something precious to me.

The pastor on Friday confirmed what I had prayed about. It was an indirect message but I felt it deep in my heart. That we shouldn’t cling to anything in this life. No matter how good it may seem, whether it’s a job , a person or a situation, If God says no, it means no.

I’ve always wanted to be obedient. However, my prayer for today is to accept God’s leading with joy, not sorrow.

I love you Jesus

Continue to do your work in my life. Nothing is in vain. My struggles, the lessons learned, the pain,this blog. And through it all You are showing me exactly who you are and how great you are!

Thank you for calling me your daughter! Thank you for loving me! I will cling to you!  The proof of my salvation is the love and protection you shower over me. Knowing that the devil can only do so much before papa God comes to the rescue!

To those reading this, I pray that God will renew your faith, give you joy which is your strength so that you too may continue to press forward! Life is hard but God is BIGGER THAN IT ALL!

Trust in him and he will work on your behalf! Jesus loves you!

Finding Joy in the Highs and the Lows.

There is always something happening every moment of the day. However, it might take weeks, months or years to finally understand it. Sometimes it’s best to be still, enjoy the experience, and then reflect.

I can write a list of all I am thankful for but right now the most confusing but important is my RELATIONSHIP with God.

Relationships are not easy: days of joy, happiness, doubt and confusion.

The bible mentions so much about perseverance:

1 Thessalonians 1:3    We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 

We are to continue and persevere no matter what. Faith that despite how horrible we are, how distant God feels sometimes, how horrible life/world can be heaven is our goal. We must breathe and live it.

As I started my quest to better health, I realized I was borderline obsessed. That’s exactly how it should be. It’s hard maintaining self control or finding time to exercise, but I make time. It’s no different with how we are to live out our spiritual walk.

Yo-yo, Luke warm spiritual life that God warned us about and I’ve fallen victim to many times.

I think I’m learning something valuable here. That we can spend our whole time listing everything wonderful in our lives but only through EFFORT will things change.

It starts in the mind flows through the heart and ends in action. You have to want it more than you want it.

So if there is anything I am thankful for , it is knowing how to deal with the lows in relationships and mainly the one that matters the most.

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Soaring Above The Clouds.

“Soaring above the clouds.”

When you think about it, this quote is very meaningful. What do clouds do? They cover the sun. Many times they bring rain storms, thunder and lightening. They invoke fear and boredom in those that do not wish to party in the rain. The sun that clouds block is the source of our nourishment. It gives us a sense of vitality, warmth and happiness.

Sometimes we allow clouds to cover the sun in our lives. Clouds can manifest as negative people who want to damper your happiness or quest for something more in life. Be wary of those that will put blame on you because you choose not to sit around and mope about anything in life. Sometimes cloudy people will think you do not deserve the success you are striving for.

Clouds can also manifest as circumstances. It may be an illness, death of a family member or losing your job. Whatever it is, it is a huge cloud that covers your vitality, warmth and means to grow.

Last but not least, clouds can take the form of negative thoughts. Negative internal thoughts that bring about sadness or a sense of failure even before you started. Pity -party, negativity, and drama are all part of your persona. Don’t do it. Don’t make excuses or else you too will become a cloud blocking someone’s sun.

So what must we do? We must soar above every cloud. How do we do it? First we must believe we can. Who gives us the power to do so? Christ does! We can try in our own power to overcome the clouds but humans do not naturally possess that ability. We will always be fighting to fly above the clouds but not effortlessly soaring. God makes it easier to fly and soar in the sky because he promised in his word to make our burdens lighter. Clouds can also be the mistakes of our pasts. However, God promised that he will no longer remember our failures. So, if God the creator of the universe forgives us of our offenses why should we allow ourselves to sink in a bottomless pit of guilt.

Shake off your past, your failures, negative people, negative thoughts and reach for the SON of God who forgives sins and right wrongs and gives many many opportunities for growth and warmth in him. Help others to soar as well. That’s how we find ourselves above every cloud in this life.

It’s not easy, but there must be a constant effort to believe that it is possible.

Silence In The Darkness.

For the last few weeks my life has been topsy turvy, emotional and crazy. I don’t know where front and end or up and down, meet. I feel tossed around. I can’t hone in and truly feel my emotions. I feel disloyal to myself sometimes. But there is something in me that is telling me to hold my ground. Do not give in to the pressure and retaliation of what’s going on.

Being silent in terms of not standing up for myself is hard. I’m so use to expressing how I feel that I forget that I need to stop. I feel as if God is asking me to let him fight my battles. I feel as if he is asking me to trust him and love him and to forget my feelings and my cares when it comes to other people for a while.

It’s hard. I hate feeling this way. I hate being tossed to the side by people I care about. I hate it. I hate being lied to. I hate being taken for granted.

I don’t know how I am going to do this but I am asking for God to give me the strength and the knowledge of how to be silent. I need to be invisible right now.

I know there is something I am not seeing. I can’t see it. What is happening to my already messed up world? I didn’t think it was possible to lose anymore than I had already lost; but it happened. It happened suddenly and painfully.

Psalms 118:8. I keep saying this over and over again, I don’t care about people or what they do but honestly I do care. I care when I put effort into something and it’s not returned. Sometimes I question if it’s wrong to expect love and care from those you love and care for.

I had a realization that my life is changing and that the ideals and my way of thinking are being changed. I feel as if the walls around my heart and mind and everything I cling to are being broken. I don’t like it. It hurts more than I expected. I do know, though, that there is something to look forward to. That despite everything that is happening, I can put my hope in a new and better me.  Not in a selfish, self preserving way but a me that is God created.

I think the greatest thing I can do right now is to stand still. I want to run away but I will face everything that comes. Facing everything in silence. There is nothing to defend or prove. Nothing to argue over. Nothing to cry about. Nothing to be sad over.

I have no idea what the future holds but I’m going to hold God’s hand. I need him to lead me on this path that is dark, lonely and scary. There is no light. It’s like I’m walking with my eyes closed. How scary is it to do such a thing without a guide.

 

When We Have Cloudy Days

1/25/2013

Two bad days so far, but I decided that pity-party is counter productive and not my style. I did a lot of bad things today from my thoughts, to my attitude, and my actions. However, these promises I rest on:

1.        God’s grace is sufficient to cover all my defects.

  • And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

2.    If I seek him everyday for renewal and guidance, he will reply.

  • And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.( Jeremiah 29:13)
  • Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (Matthew 7:7)

3.    All my burdens, Jesus will freely take.

  • Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

4.    I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

5.    God is healer, provider, and his Spirit sanctifies.

  • But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatever I have said to you. (John 14:26)
  • Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. (Romans 8:26)

So bad days are meant to remind us that we are human and need God always.