Tag Archives: God

Restless

I’m restless and uncomfortable.

I’ve looked up the definition of restless and read a few articles on this emotion and everything about it is negative.

But, I’ve learned to listen to my feelings, at times, for clues as to what is going on with me.

I have concluded that it’s time for a major change. Change is approaching. I feel like I’m changing and it will be a good change.

I will embrace my feelings of restlessness. I refuse to accept certain elements in my life anymore. If I want change, I must embrace being uncomfortable. I must embrace uncertainty, fear and pain. I must embrace the hard work and pain that comes with birthing change.

When old habits die, you feel very uncomfortable. You become hyper vigilant and aware that something is missing.

No one takes a leap of faith when they are comfortable. No one changes or progresses in life while being comfortable! There is usually a turning point in your life that pushes you to take flight. Like a momma bird that pushes her baby out of the nest. That baby doesn’t think it’s ready. It doesn’t even know if it’s ready or not, but momma bird pushes it out and knows there are risk for their baby involved. But if I believe that God is real and loves me, even if I free fall to the earth, He will catch me as I learn to spread my wings and fly.

I want to fly. I want to expand. I want to develop. I want to struggle! I want to experience everything I know is godly possible.

Being perpetually comfortable is bondage!

Now I know something must change and I see my circumstances as the catalyst for my growth. I will use every bad and good experience as stepping stones to my destiny.

I want to say this:

I was accused of being many things, these last few days, while journeying within my frailties, and I want to extend a word of encouragement to those that are seeking and searching for something more than what they have:

Keep searching: Don’t allow anyone or anything to tell you to RELAX or BE AT PEACE or JUST WAIT. Yes, there are times for that but sometimes your restless seeking is part of growth. No one looks for anything if they already have the answers. ¿Comprende?

Don’t let anyone talk you out of what YOU KNOW. You will be presented with a lot of options and opinions….remove them! Get into a quiet mental space and write down your thoughts and feelings. Only worthy opinion is God himself at this stage of the game.

Isolate: Only from people you KNOW for a fact will not support you in anyway. I can’t stress this enough. Stop asking people for their opinion. Learn to navigate your own life!

Be open to learning : Learn hard skills, soft skills, biblical truths, Yourself, Who is God and what does he expect of you?, research, research, research, listen to pioneers that went before you, but don’t let it control you.

Rebuild what was lost: If it’s important, rebuild it. Cultivate it. Nurture it and watch it grow. You need a strong foundation to fall back on. A lesson I learned was that I wasn’t ready for certain things, as I was. I was growing and things were going well but I wasn’t firmly rooted in it. It was easy when adversity came to revert and undo everything I’ve worked so hard to establish. So, one part of the process is to become rooted and grounded in your beliefs, values and system of working. These things will surely help you when adversity and hardships come your way.

Fight for Christ: People will fight for lovers and family but is anyone willing to fight for their relationship with God? Like all relationships, there are ups and downs, including with the savior. So, fight with a vigor and don’t give up on Him.

I embrace change but I will also fight for it!

Until next time,

 

* disclaimer: images from a google search

 

 

 

Friend or Foe?

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Man oh man!

I’m sorry but excuse me? How did I not see this coming? It’s okay though,  I understand now.

CYCLES! History constantly repeats itself until you get it!

Step 1: Identify your weak points and discipline yourself to strengthen them!

That means removing triggers, being aware and slowing down when making decisions!

Step 2: Identify those that undermine you and by all means throw them in the trash!

You are not strong! Don’t try to put up with it, rationalize it out of existence or make excuses for this person. Get rid of them at all cost. There is no negotiating or pleading with these people. Feelings don’t change overnight. You will know a malicious person, set to undermine you when:

1. They put you down whether overtly or covertly through insults, comparisons, or dismissive behavior.

2. You notice you become confused, sad, resentful and private.

Why? Because their aim is to make you feel WORTHLESS!

3. This will happen for the rest of your life so get use to it.

4. Slowly build a support system that will surround you and uplift you during your times in need.

By all means shun every single church, or person that doesn’t fit this qualification. There are churches out there that will make you paranoid, zap you of your life and vitality and make you walk around with constant guilt. Be patient and take your time creating this circle. State what you expect ahead of time and watch people carefully. Circumstances and situations will expose a person.

You deserve to be loved and honored. Don’t settle for less than that! Your inner circle should be people that would even lay their lives down for you and vise versa. Not people that just want to be around you and have a good time, or hear your woes but don’t actually want to root for you and uplift you as a person. This means a lot especially when you are low.  No one will always be happy and full of joy and on cloud 9, 10 and 11, so you need a system of people that will encourage and push you forward. Job had horrible friends. God knew that too and Job had to pray for them, so God would forgive them for judging him and speaking falsely on God’s behalf. But then we see Jonathan, who was not only willing to give up all he had for David, for He understood the calling on David’s life, but was supportive and spoiled the plans of his father Saul to protect his friend. Your friends are LOYAL to you and do not want to see you harmed.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get this right, right way. I wanted to feel guilty for allowing certain people in my life but what will guilt do? Guilt just robs you of your vitality and hinders you from growing and learning. For some, this comes naturally, for others, not so much.

Be willing to walk alone for a season until you find those that will surround you with the love you deserve and help you reach your goals in life. We need each other, but we need the right people!

Until next time,

 

 

 

 

Ya Bettah Know Who You Be!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Let me tell you something guys!

Let me warn you! If you don’t know who you are and what you want in this world, people will dictate it for you!

I know what I want is typically unusual and I sometimes act really quirky and odd, but I embrace who I am!

If you have a title or a position in church, please, I beg of you to be careful of what you pray over people. I leave every time feeling misunderstood and alone. No one gets me. They assume everything about me but no one ever sat down to talk with me and get to know me and why I’m there. It was then, that I realize that some churches are not what they are suppose to be.

I left feeling horrible, not uplifted. No one came to ask me how I felt or if I wanted to talk. They just left me there.

My walk with God is lonely.  No one cares to hear my story. No one cares to listen. So, I bottle it all up inside. It wasn’t until a few moments ago that I realized something powerful. Every time someone tries to put me down or tell me who I am, that is when I know I’m on the right track. Every time that happens, something good comes out of their negative words.

We are to uplift not tear down.

I held on to every single dream I had in my heart. I told some people and they tried to discourage me or tell me why I can’t do it.  I’ve been misjudged by those I cared about. They choose not to love and encourage me but to kick me when I was down. This came from various people, whether in church or not.

The greatest thing I have is my faith and integrity. Without these two things, I am nothing.

Faith doesn’t equate perfection. I will tell you I had my moments of doubt. I had my moments where I wanted to die and give up. Life was just too unbearable. Suffering is inevitable.

But this time around, despite my nonsense, despite the pain, I held on to God. I was angry with Him, but I didn’t run away from Him. I stood still in my anger and raged through it. I experienced every single feeling: from anger to hopelessness to despair.

I can honestly say that today, I feel a lot better. It happened through a small prayer in bed before I fell asleep. I admitted that I was wrong and I simply said I will no longer fear anything.

It was that simple. I mean seriously, it was just that simple. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, in terms of my mood, but I will take it a day at a time.

The Christian walk is marked by ups and downs. I decided not to hold on to the guilt of missing the mark but to embrace the grace that Christ had died for. I admitted I was wrong and that I needed Christ Daily.

I also found an article that reminded me just how important spiritual discipline is. I became overwhelmed with trying to better my life, but everything flows from my spiritual health. Not physical, mental or emotional health but my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. Everything flows from God.

He gives us wisdom and understanding. He directs where we go and influences the decisions we make. He sets things in order, behind the scenes. He ordains our future and destiny.

Without Him, our efforts are empty. Personally, without Him I can’t even survive. Literally, God has become the very essence of my well-being. I don’t feel healthy without Him. I begin to wither and die like a plant.

The source of my joy is right relationship with Him. My heart became dirty with disappointment and fear. I was too busy to read the bible, pray or even worship through song. God was literally squeezed out of my life because I had too much going on.

I also blamed Him for certain things in my life, instead of trusting that all things will work together for my good.

Despite all of my failures, God has kept me and given me peace this day. It took a bad situation for me to see the truth. I must always remind myself of  who God is and what I know about myself.

I will never be loud or arrogant to prove anything to anyone. I will quietly leave my mark on this earth. I want to be known as the Woman that loved God and walked with Him. For in my weaknesses, He is gloried and in my victories, He is declared King.

Those that love you, will seek to understand you. As Christians, we are called to love one another. That means to truly get to know those we are serving and in fellowship with. Not judging them, putting them in a box and then tossing them aside to move on. Truly connect with people and help them where they are.

 

That is all for now,

 

The Price of Kindness

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

Unnecessary Disclaimer: I’m being honest and open.

A series of events led to my eye open experience.

There is a price to pay for being kind. In a cruel world, people see meekness and kindness as weakness.

I witnessed this even in a church! The very place where meekness, kindness and gentleness should be respected and even honored, the meek and the kind are shunned, insulted and made to feel inadequate. Brashness, cruelty and harsh words were celebrated as strength, used to control, manipulate and crush it’s recipients.

It was covered up in the guise of tough love, honesty, boldness, playful banter etc. We have lots of fluffy words for cruelty these days.

It’s tempting to want revenge, or to prove yourself to these people but this is my conclusion.

I want to remain kind. I want to be myself and who God made me to be. It takes a lot of strength NOT to fit in. It takes a lot of strength to keep going after being rejected, mistreated and misunderstood.

I had someone tell me that kindness is fake. Poor soul. Poor soul believes kindness is fake and rudeness is strength.

In wisdom, you’ll know that sort of person is troubled and being unkind back will just exasperate the issue.

I think these experiences, while they hurt me deeply , has made me stronger.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I have fallen in love with myself even more. I pick and choose my battles wisely. If I make a mistake, I apologize , fix it as best as I can and move forward. I also know that my actions aren’t always kind but I want to be kinder.

Kindness for me is peace. It’s about being at peace with oneself and others. I don’t have time to be cruel. Cruelty is boring! There is so much to do in life than plotting against your next victim.

After every heartache I make two declarations: I will serve God no matter what and I want to do the right thing.

Love is patient and kind. Listen, I don’t always get it right, no one will but being consistently cruel to people, even those that have hurt you isn’t right! There is no justification for it!

Forgiveness is a choice! A process yes, but it’s a choice you have to make.

Forgiveness gives you internal peace in a chaotic world!

I was mad at God over things in my life, including my own choices. Now thinking about it, as painful as it was, I don’t regret it.

In a fallen world, pain builds character. All of my struggles and heartaches, sins (yup) and mistakes , not one piece or part must be forgotten for they all are the building blocks to my character.

The Bible clearly shows us the faults, mistakes and triumphs of it’s characters. There is constant character development.

The most important elements to life are our character and godliness. The quest for material things ends with death but our character and our godliness will be tested in the next life.

I learned through it all that God loves me too.

Guide Me , O Thou Great Jehovah by William Willams

  1. You Know you are getting old when you can understand and truly feel the depth of a hymn. 
  2. This morning, this wonderful hymn just touched my soul and I sang it with all the strength of my lungs!
  3. Guide me, O Thou great *Jehovah, [*Redeemer]
    Pilgrim through this barren land;
    I am weak, but Thou art mighty,
    Hold me with Thy pow’rful hand.
    Bread of heaven, Bread of heaven,
    Feed me till I want no more;
    Feed me till I want no more.
  4. I feel like I’m in a barren land, trying to reach the promised land. I feel utterly weak, confused and helpless sometimes. Actually, most of the time. But truly, I knew that my strength only comes from God. The best days of my life were marked by constant prayer, moment by moment. I had to pray for strength to get through the day, to sleep, and to walk in healing. When I stop praying, I feel weak, confused and insecure!  God’s mighty hand keeps me. He is the bread of heaven! His word feeds and nourishes. His presence is nourishment and it strengthens, me lacking in nothing.
  5. Open now the crystal fountain,
    Whence the healing stream doth flow;
    Let the fire and cloudy pillar
    Lead me all my journey through.
    Strong Deliv’rer, strong Deliv’rer,
    Be Thou still my Strength and Shield;
    Be Thou still my Strength and Shield.
  6. Again, God is the fountain in which healing flows.  When I was so consumed with my daily endeavors and pushed God out of the equation, my fountain of health ran dry. I had no strength to carry on.
  7. Lord, I trust Thy mighty power,
    Wondrous are Thy works of old;
    Thou deliver’st Thine from thralldom,
    Who for naught themselves had sold:
    Thou didst conquer, Thou didst conquer
    Sin and Satan and the grave,
    Sin and Satan and the grave.
  8. This one was omitted from the version I was listening to, but it’s in the original for a reason. “Lord, I trust thy mighty power, wondrous are thy works of old!” The God that performed miracles then and even in my own life, I MUST TRUST HIM! There are areas in our lives where we do not trust God, despite him showing us what he is capable of. God conquered our sins, Satan and the grave. In this I must choose to find peace! The focus more of him and not just on perfection or performing the law, but a relationship with him. Relationships builds the foundation of trust.
  9. When I tread the verge of Jordan,
    Bid my anxious fears subside;
    Death of death and hell’s Destruction,
    Land me safe on Canaan’s side.
    Songs of praises, songs of praises,
    I will ever give to Thee;
    I will ever give to Thee.
  10. Fear nothing. No matter what happens or what we face in this life, including death, trust that God will safely get you to where you need to be. Whether it’s your full capacity of maturity and to fulfill his plan for your life to you being with him in heaven in the end. Sing His Praises in the storm! Sing with understanding. Don’t just do it because people say so. MEAN IT WITH UNDERSTANDING!!!!

source

What Do You Want?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

This is an on whim post.

I am not only sharing this but it’s documentation for future reference. I will save this in the bin of things to read after a year or two.

This weekend was stressful. I haven’t had to deal with this issue in a long time and it was quite a shock for me to deal with it once again. You know when you get tired of dealing with an issue for years but feel trapped? You’ve tried everything possible but nothing works.

I’m going to be real and raw : when you pray to God and ask for help and he gives you 1 million encouraging words like : peace and hold on and go forth and be strong, only for you to stare that same problem in the face.

You’ve tried everything, nothing works. You reach out for help but people don’t care, don’t understand. They leave you there to figure it out on your own but wonder why you don’t want anything to do with them.

We live in a world where people are cruel. People don’t care about you until you’re dead. Then they will say, I wish I knew or I wish I had done something to prevent this from happening. But all the while, you had asked them for help but they didn’t care to help.

So one day, I was fed up and took a leap of faith. Where I am today was because of my own hard work, vision and faith in God.

I have made peace with the fact that people don’t care and are cruel. These people will try to kill your dreams. They will open their mouths and use their words to kill you. If you are in a broken place, they will succeed. The only way to protect yourself in a broken place is to have selective hearing.

YOU MUST SHUN AT ALL COST anything negative being spoken to you. It’s not anything  mystical, it’s a simple fact that your ears are a gateway to your heart. Your eyes and ears are gateways to your heart. Your mouth is the exit of your heart. So those people are speaking from what is in their hearts. But if you listen and observe what they are saying, they can begin to shape and mold you.

You must NOT allow anyone to plant that seed in your heart. Everything you become starts from your heart. This is why the Bible warns us about guarding our hearts.

The greatest way to silence your enemies is to continue living your life as if their words have no weight. Your mere presence is a threat to them and that’s their battle to fight.

So I ask, ” what do you want? What makes you happy?” Do what YOU want without apology. If it’s wrong, God will make it right. If it’s too far left, God will push it a little more to the left. Let GOD mold you, not people. Don’t you ever do anything simply because people say so, but because you know in your heart it’s the right thing to do. Everyone is living their lives, including those trying to dictate yours.

The greatest thing you could ever do is accept yourself as you are.

The way you are is perfect and God can use you as you are right now. Perfectionism is a sham. It’s just there to keep you crippled in an infinite loop of madness,  unlike the line of progression of authenticity.

Being authentic comes with a price: you will have people that love you and those that hate you. At first it might seem as if everyone hates you but there will be those that will identify you and admire you. The beauty of it is that when you were trying to please people and remain unnoticed by fitting in, people still hated you. But now  you know who loves you as the real you.

Everyone goes through this. The journey between childhood and adulthood is a turbulent one. It is an uncertain phase and you must learn to shift out what you have been taught with what is truth. Not everything taught is truth.

Who do you want to be? I stopped asking God what I should do with my life. You will either know from youth or walk into it as you live. Most of us walk into it. God doesn’t reveal things at once. If so, then we wouldn’t need him and life would be predicable. What would we learn? For those that already know, only know so much.

Life is like jumping in the dark. You can’t see beyond eye view and sometimes you can’t see at all. You must take jumps: some small and some big. Where you land, the floor tiles light up, enabling you to see. As you keep jumping,3 you are able to see what was behind you and from eye view, what’s around you. If you refuse to jump, you won’t be able to see or make progress.

We also jump in our own ways. Some of us only have one leg. Some of us have a crutch. Others have both legs. Some of us are taller and some shorter. Others of us are heavier and some lighter. The way we jump and how we land are influenced by these factors. People might say one way is better than the other but that’s not true. God made you as you are and even if it was from life’s circumstances, this is who you are. The way you jump and land is YOUR STORY and it’s a unique one. It’s YOURS. Striving for the unknown, best jump is not only ignorant but a waste of time. We shouldn’t strive to have the same story but to find ways to share our own unique stories. We will find our people. We will find common ground with those that jump differently but we are all here to motivate and encourage one another to jump.

When we bicker and fight we stop jumping. Then our world becomes dark and we can only see what’s behind us.

This year I’ve thrown down the veil of perfectionism and take up the mantle of faith.

I will walk as I am, talk as I am and live as I am. I will keep jumping and leaping and landing. I will let my leaps paint a picture of light around me.

With faith, no one can crush you. With faith, no one can take away your dreams or your joy. With faith, hope follows and with hope there is peace.

The bible says do not fear EVIL people with their wicked schemes.

Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7 NLT

Just keep leaping and landing and one day you’ll find yourself where you need to be. The Lord is faithful to guide our imperfect steps. He is God and we are not. Accept who you are and cling tightly to the one who has the power to save you.

 

 

Joy Post – I Am Thankful

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Photo by Krista McPhee on Unsplash

Stress and worry abounds.

But I’m tired.

I wave my white flag of surrender but not defeat.

Today, I want to encourage anyone in a stressful, demanding, or confusing situation to slow down and trust God.

Take a deep breath…

Inhale…

exhale…

Pray and pray some more, but then just wait on God.

It’s tiring trying to figure things out and make decisions right way. God knows the future, we don’t. We don’t always know the right path to take but if we pray and leave it in his hands he will create a path for us like he did with Moses and the red sea.

God can part any red sea in your life. To me, since I love symbolism, Moses staff represents the Word of God. It is his strength, a rod of protection, and a symbol of authority. When he held it up, by faith in God, the red sea was parted, he and his people were able to cross over to safety.

No matter what calamity pursues you, God is in control.

It’s so easy to forget to take things a day at a time. Tomorrow is not here yet, so enjoy the day graced to you. Life is not guaranteed, it’s a gift.

Taken directly from www.biblegateway.com:

Matthew 6:24 – 34 NKJV

You Cannot Serve God and Riches

24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

In the scheme of things, when life gets tough, we forget just how blessed we are. We take everything for granted, as we can only see what we want. I had to take a step back and just thank God for ALL that I have now. From the smallest to the greatest.

My struggles are to remind me of who is in control because it’s just too easy to fall back into that habit of self-sufficiency. The Christian life is marked by complete trust and rest in God and whenever I find myself idolizing my own strengths, skills, talents and knowledge, is when all hell break loose, literally! But when I calm down, humble myself and trust God, that’s when doors open.

Let me stop rambling, I’m sure you get the point now.

Until next time,

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Established in Faith: What Do You Truly Know About God?

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Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

It’s way too easy to lose your way…

A subtlety in your heart…

It’s funny because you won’t even know it’s there, or if you do know, you will try to rationalize it away.

Then one day you wake up and find yourself in a big mess and wonder how you got there.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the rat race. It’s easy to get caught up in things that will someday fade away.

God told me yesterday : remember when I healed you? How you walked with me day by day, moment by moment? How you asked ME for help and strength to get through the day. But now you say ” How am I going to do this?”

It was obvious now, I had slowly pushed God out of the way and relied on my own strength. In turn, I have grown very tired in every area of my life.

It was a slow thing. I became busy and spent less time in prayer and bible study. I said, I’ll do it tomorrow but when tomorrow came, I was again, too busy.

Then a stumbling block presented itself: my own heart. I was defenseless but God kept telling me what to do. I prayed so hard but my own heart was hardening. My view of God was inaccurate. I felt He was playing a cruel joke on me. “Why is this happening to me”, I asked.

I prayed and sought help but more and more the rage and bitterness in my heart grew. I was warned that this was not the way to go. I was mad at God. I prayed, I sought him, I asked him to protect me but he didn’t. I felt let down and It was then that I no longer wanted to trust that he cared and loved me.

I found myself in a mess. When my heart grew dark and cold, my joy and peace were the first to leave. I tried so many remedies but not even prayer worked.

Then to make matters worse, something I was working very hard for, failed. I was devastated. It was the final straw. God truly let me down. I shut down. I was numb, full of anger. Fear crept in and clouded my mind and judgement.

At the end, I decided that I wanted to talk to God. I missed him. I didn’t feel like myself – this is not who I am. So I prayed. It was then that I remembered the word established.

nathan-dumlao-553957

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I looked up established in faith:

There are two ways to stay established or committed to God: Prayer and Bible study.

The very things that I stopped doing from the beginning. I was too busy to put God first.

It was then, when I decided to let go of that thing I held on to, that I experienced peace. I remembered that when I told God that I accept being sick and will serve Him with my life – that’s when He healed me. I was prepared: washed my face, fixed my hair. I was determined to serve God for the rest of my life sick , but He healed me instead.

Honestly, I do not take that for granted. It bothered me, in my anger towards God, why I couldn’t let that miracle remind me of the goodness of God. I wanted this thing so badly, not realizing that God is sovereign and in complete control. He is my provider – He will sustain me. He gives me favor even if I am unqualified, for his glory and purpose. I relied on this thing and my effort and not him. He is showing me, through miracles, that He is God with all power, wisdom and knowledge.

In the midst of my sin, He comforted me. He said he isn’t judging me. He said he loves me. He asked me to come back to him and bare my heart to him. I must guard my heart from anger and bitter emotions, but I must also guard my mind from false opinion of God. He is full of grace, gentle and kind. In this, I realized that I was judging myself, worrying what other people would think of me, instead of knowing and trusting how God sees me.

I learned that I could’ve died in my sin – chasing after things that , in the long – term, means nothing. Don’t allow people, status, a career, or an opportunity, rob you of  your salvation and eternal life. Don’t allow these things to trip up your walk with God.

Put God first in all you do. Stay connected to God and bare your heart to him. Faith produces patience to wait on God, even if it seems like he is taking forever. Remember what he as done for you in the past and search the scriptures for examples of how God acts on the behalf of his people.

I can say now, with confidence that I am restored. My blessing will follow as such: a double portion of joy, peace, hope and faith. These are the things my heart now longs for but most of all I am just happy that I have my Christ back.

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Daily Ramblings – The Perfect Person

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Photo by Ben Rosett on Unsplash

I admit defeat.

I admit that I have hit a brick wall and don’t know how to climb it. That brick wall is a thought or even a belief. Something I’ve observed in my life from birth to current time.

Is there a perfect person to be found?

Someone that has all the qualities we admire and desire in a person?

People are on the quest for love and friendships. Dating and marriage advice plagues the internet, marriage coaches can be found on every IP address, relationship guru’s at every turn. Even sermons about friends, “frenemies”, toxic people etc.

Is there ever a perfect person? Can we ever find the perfect match? Someone with all we want and more?

I can’t offer answers, just questions. People say they’ve found the one. A man or woman that fits the list of all they wanted in a person, but what if that person fails? What if they don’t love you? Do you still chase after them simply because they fit your list,  or because they are accepted by everyone as being perfect for you?

Then we hear advice from 90 year – olds or people in decades long marriages and they say it takes hard work and commitment. That the person is completely different and yet they work hard at coming together with understanding. The highs and the lows of their relationship is met with the determination to never give up. These set of people focused less on the check list of a perfect person, but more so on the hard work and dedication it takes to love someone.

Another powerful testimony of love demonstrated by a father – who prayed 7 years for his son. He didn’t throw a tantrum at God asking why his son was bad and faulty – he simply prayed. He prayed, he said, even when things were getting worse as he prayed. Eventually his son turned around for the better.

Love without expectations, limits, unconditional love. In this world, what does that even mean? We can’t find this kind of love being encouraged anywhere,  but I think of the love God has shown me.

Let me share a personal story. There was a time when I turned away from God because of the weight of guilt and seeking perfection – doing works to gain God’s love.

When I returned to him, I would throw tantrums and hide whenever I was disappointed, mad or confused. I remember one day, while being very ill, laying in bed and feeling as if God was right there with me. I said to myself :  wow, I cannot hide from God. He is everywhere. I close my eyes and I hear him. I close my ears and I see him. I shut down my senses and He visits me. I cannot shut God out! He pursues me constantly. 

I was messed up, broken and hurt. I was ill. To the world I was worthless in every way. People could say : well she has nothing to offer society so why should anyone love her. Find a more suitable woman or friend. However, God didn’t say that about me. Time and time again I’d hear him say ” I know your heart”. He’d remind me that my worth did not come from how perfect I was – a job, education, social status (how many friends I had), how often I didn’t sin, how I looked etc,  but simply based on the fact that I am a being created by God. He said he saw my heart and with a heart like mine, he could work with it. He could break it down till it got soft, and then with his bare hands mold it and shape it.

Then he said something to me recently that was even better than before : that he is NOT judging me and that he will give me a new heart. Trust me guys, I read my bible and I knew I read that somewhere, so I did a quick google search and found it.

Here’s what that passage says:

Ezekiel 36 : 25- 27 (NLT)

 “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.  And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations…”

I admit defeat. I cannot predict what God will do. I cannot predict what God will show or teach me. All I can do is have my questions and wait on His answers.  As I go through life, learning about Him and having experiences, I know I will know what I need to know. Ultimately, God is in absolute control. I just want a soft and responsive heart to hear his voice when he talks to me.

Till next time,

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Goody Goody Two-Shoes

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Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

Okay.

So, the last few weeks went by slowly AND quickly. A lot was done, tears shed, confusion, and pain. There was also happiness, forgiveness and newness.

Something stood out to me though, as I gazed into the mirror of introspection: that the quest for complete perfection and high expectations is not worth the pain.

It is a crippling mindset that robs you from joy and experiencing life on a day by day basis. It can even rob you of your blessing – that might not always come as you want it to look like. You want your blessing to be perfect, a blessing that makes complete sense to you and acceptable to everyone around you. A blessing that makes you feel comfortable and safe.

But what if your blessing was dressed up as something completely different. Something you never expected? What if it was to show you just how much you are loved and cherished despite feeling as if it is unattainable? What if that blessing was something you never thought you could accomplish but, despite it being beyond your capabilities, God breathed life into it and made it reality? What if you can finally enjoy life without worrying about everything, all the time?

What if you can worship God without fear? To run to God and cling to him even when you fall short? Holding onto Him for dear life and trusting that He will keep you, guide you, fix you and heal you?

Because if you turn away, what else will you live for? Love requires bravery. It forces you to open up and take a risk to give and receive something that has the potential to:

  1. Hurt you
  2. Confuse you

God doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want him to and that left me feeling really upset and confused. I threw a fit asking God why me and why now and why this? I wanted to hide from God because I thought He failed me.

I wonder if this is how the Jews of Jesus’ time felt, waiting for the messiah to come and save them from earthly oppression. However, they had their own interpretation of scripture and God had his own divine will. We can try as much as we want to control the events of our lives and personally interpret God’s plan for our lives but God’s Will prevails.

If Esther was a modern day Christian, other believers and even her well meaning Pastor would tell her : “Sweet Esther, don’t marry the King, because gurl, he ain’t saved.” Not knowing that sweet Esther was called to be queen so that she could prevent a Jewish genocide. She needed to marry the King to access his status and to demonstrate the power of God in a very meek and humble way.

Nothing in life is cookie cutter, one-size fits all and I’m sick of trying to be the “Good Little Christian Girl”. It’s something all Christians face at one point in their journey.

Jesus died so we can be free. This freedom has become cliche. Free from what? Yes, free from sin. But what God truly wants is not a religious set of puppets that crosses every “I” and dots every “T”, knows all the church lingo and scripture, can debate, lay hands on the sick, cast out demons and speak in tongues.

God wants those with a heart for Him. A heart turned to Him. Hearts that will cry out to Him in every circumstance: good and bad. A heart that acknowledges Him, like David. David cried out to God in good times and bad. David was by no means perfect but he remained true to Himself.

Jesus saved us from the system of religion, the bondage of perfectionism, the opinions of humans, and gave us freedom to worship, love, and to be at peace with one another.

I am tired, aren’t you? I’m tired of all the pressure, internally and externally, to be more than what I am today. I can only do what I can do today but my hope is that as I continue on this journey with God, that I will grow closer to him.

My goal is no longer to simply be a Christian, but to be a daughter of God: to sit at his feet like Mary and listen.

Why the title?

Well, I was stumped. I didn’t know what to call this post so I whispered a little prayer and instantly felt to name it goody two-shoes.

Laughs

Bold right? Imagine that. Well guess what? GOOD! Honesty is the beginning of deliverance. Never be ashamed of what God can deliver you from.

I had to google search the term because it’s been years since I last heard it. A goody two- shoes in simple terms is a people-pleaser and God cannot use or connect with one.

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