Tag Archives: Hardships

How God Used Web Development To Prune Me

Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash

It’s about time I talk about my journey in Web Development. If you follow me on twitter, you will see tweets about events I’ve attended, splashed here and there.

My journey started in late 2017. I learned HTML, CSS and JavaScript fundamentals in a class setting. It was an amazing experience. I fell in love with code: mainly design (JavaScript kicks my butt, but I haven’t given up) and I’m now learning WordPress and PHP.

I learned so much over the span of this experience. It was difficult. At first, it was like a dream. I was excited and dedicated. Then life hit me, and I had to make decisions that challenged my faith.

I mentioned in a previous post about attending a Boot Camp. Well, that was an eye opening experience in itself. I want to start of by saying that the aim of this post is to serve as a source of  encouragement and also a teaching lesson. I almost lost everything – including my life – BUT it was all God’s plan and it was only at this moment that I could fully accept this as truth.

You might remember my angry posts. My posts about not being happy and losing joy. I was in a very dark place. I was worried I lost everything – all that God had given me – over something so stupid.

I won’t get into details over what that thing was but the root of it was – I wasn’t solid in my understanding of who God is. This was a teaching moment for me and God was going to let me fall on my face so I could understand.

We must be rooted in God’s love for us. My greatest fear happened to me and I was thrown off course. I was upset – I questioned God. How could He allow the very thing I was trying to avoid. I was content with where I was and where I was going. I was content with the future I had planned out for myself. It was as if God led me right into my fears and then left me alone to see how I would respond. Prayers were not answered: I ran to and fro to anyone that could give me counsel. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

by: Tim Mossholder

by: Tim Mossholder

I began to doubt God’s love for me and my heart grew dark. I was angry with God. I wanted to shut down my blog – I felt as if I was living a lie. How could I write about joy when my joy is gone? I knew I had to be honest. I knew I couldn’t lie about how I was feeling.

The boot-camp was not the thing that made me angry with God, but because I was angry, I couldn’t hear God’s voice. God’s voice leads us in our choices in life. Well, my spiritual ears were blocked so I couldn’t hear or recognize that God was telling me not to go.

I worked so hard for this opportunity. Every door slammed in my face during admissions. I finally made it to the end and awaited judgement. Verdict: access denied. I was so upset. I worked so hard just to push down every door that closed in my face. I received a call back, saying a spot was opened that I can fill. I accepted but I wasn’t able to celebrate with sincerity. Honestly, at this point, I was so upset with God that I threw everything out the window. I stopped praying, etc and I was beginning to revert to a part of me I didn’t like. I tried to tell myself this was a miracle – but deep down I wasn’t so sure this was God opening a door for me. It felt more like He gave me what I wanted because I threw a horrible tantrum.

Everything was fine in the beginning. I had this major distraction in my life. It was a person. I realized that every time I’m about to do something important in life – a distraction comes my way in the form of a person. This person undermined everything I sought out to accomplish. At first, person was nice and sweet but over time, person began to chip away at my core beliefs. Person tore me down. I made excuses for person. I thought person was my friend and had my back. I want to warn you: be cautious of who you allow in your inner circle. Be cautious of who you share your inner thoughts and feelings. Some people may appear to be kind and loving but their agenda is to destroy you. They might not even know that they are doing it. Remember, we are fighting a spiritual battle. Sampson , a mighty Judge , was cut down and his destiny cut short because he allowed Delilah to wear him down and expose his weakness. Our enemy is Satan. He sends people – like the Philistines sent Delilah – to uncover your weaknesses. They pose as a friend or a lover – someone you should trust.

Everything became chaotic in my life. It has always been chaotic but because I had lost sight of Christ, the chaos began to affect me. Let’s just say I was a mess. At this point, I wanted to give up on life. I had reached my limit and I was tired. It felt as if all of heaven and earth was against me and I was fighting to survive. Desperate – but cautious – I visited a local church because people were nagging me to fellowship with other Christians. This too was another distraction. You might say : but isn’t fellowship with other Christians a good thing? Not always. Again, not all people that say they are Christians, really are. Christians are also human beings that struggle with sin tenancies, some that are not too pleasant to be around. Then there are others that believe in false doctrine.

Honestly, I believe what happened to me was for a reason. I had to see first hand a lie that is floating around in the Body of Christ and allow God to show me the truth in his word. Some churches are so focused on hyper spirituality that they forget to serve the people. Assembly line prayers – I reached out for prayer and all I got was judgement. Prayer full of judgement and when I sought out a listening ear I was told that I needed to sit down because I was already prayed for. I was appalled. I left the building with a sense of emptiness. It was then that I grit my teeth and said to myself : WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!

I got really quiet in my spirit and started cutting people out of my life – again. One by one, I closed the door without a word. I did not care who was confused or upset. I was not concerned with pleasing others – I was focused on getting better. While I was cutting people out, I dropped out of the boot-camp. At the time, I was very sad but I knew I had to. It was the best decision I made that year. I spent 2 months recovering – I stopped coding, tended to my weary body and started praying again. It was a painful process – I was very run down.

God began to speak again, or rather, I was able to hear his voice. He comforted me in ways no one else could. When I opened my heart to see the filth inside of it, God cleaned it up and then told me what He was doing. You see, it was his plan the whole time. I had a lot of inner issues I needed to deal with. I realized I had a lot of beliefs that were not really my own. I just accepted them because I accepted the label of Christianity. I learned about the bondage of guilt and shame and that Christ died to get rid of that. He doesn’t want us walking around with guilt and shame. He doesn’t want us to repay for our sins – he already paid for it. But I was walking around with so much baggage – trying to live holy, not because It truly came from my heart, but because I thought it would compensate for my short comings. I also allowed people to heap on burdens on me. I allowed people to wear me down. God held up a mirror and showed me my true identity, outside of the garbage people kept dumping on me. It was then that I knew what He wanted me to do. The vision of my life became clear and my joy returned.

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Photo by Sushobhan Badhai on Unsplash

Now my joy is rooted and grounded even more in God’s love. God was pruning me. It is an unpleasant experience but don’t give up. God showed me my growth: instead of completely running away from him, I told him that I would wait for him in my anger. I had to go through the pain and turmoil of my negative emotions. I didn’t run away.

I can now share this experience with the hope of encouraging you to keep the faith. Embrace the pain, the frustration, the anger and the confusion. Like David said ” wait on the Lord.” Sometimes you do everything a good christian is suppose to do and it’s not enough. We cannot manipulate the situation – all we can do is wait on God to teach us and renew us in time.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

God is refining us. I am no longer bound by the garbage people try to throw at me. I am no longer bound by my preconceived notions about how my life should be – I’m free to accept every good blessing from God. I am free to be myself without shame. I was willing to lose everything I worked hard for to have God and he turned around and gave me so much more.

Love, peace and joy are worth so much more than money and prestige. It’s worth more than any earthly relationship and it’s a true blessing from God. Seek after it with all you have and you will have all that you need.

Please let me know in the comments of how God has pruned you? What did you learn?

Until next time,

There Is No Formula

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

You can’t approach God like a math problem to be solved.

You can’t find steps in the Bible, apply them, and expect an outcome.

I know people say you can, and preach about it…maybe it works for them,

but for me, that’s not the case. I didn’t find peace after praying. I didn’t even find joy in it.

I didn’t find immediate comfort after reading the bible, or seeking prayer from other Christians.

The only thing I did was wait.  I mean, seriously, I couldn’t manipulate the situation or change my feelings. I couldn’t fake happiness or joy. I couldn’t just think positively and fake it till I made it. I had to just sit in all of it and wait.

I couldn’t manipulate, convince or negotiate with God. I couldn’t get Him to do what I wanted with any of my actions.

I just woke up today feeling joyful. I stopped caring about a lot of things and just left it alone. I desperately needed rest. I rested for almost two months. In those two months I was miserable and overwhelmed. I tried everything : praying, crying, asking for advice, seeking prayer from Churches and Christians, singing, YOU NAME IT. Nothing worked.

Will I always feel joyful? I think I can but feelings are fleeting. People say joy isn’t influenced by our circumstances. It’s somewhat true but who can be joyful when something bad is happening at the moment? I mean, I want to believe that there is a time and a place for sorrow and joy. You can’t expect to be happy or joyful all the time. I think faith requires more than that. That you can be as hopeless as Job and Elijah in their seasons of struggle but still hold on to God.

God gave Elijah rest. Resting is so important. We fear losing everything if we rest but resting requires faith that God will take care of us. I had to let go of my need to control, plan and prosper and just rest.

Life can be tough. LIFE IS TOUGH. So why complicate it any more than it is. Hard work and rest has their due time and season.

There is no formula for joy. Just be alive and you’ll experience many different emotions, feelings and state of mind. The only hope we have is that we know God is real, He hears prayers and that He is the source of our well-being. I guess joy is just simply who you put your trust in.

Until next time,

Ya Bettah Know Who You Be!

OH MY GOODNESS!

Let me tell you something guys!

Let me warn you! If you don’t know who you are and what you want in this world, people will dictate it for you!

I know what I want is typically unusual and I sometimes act really quirky and odd, but I embrace who I am!

If you have a title or a position in church, please, I beg of you to be careful of what you pray over people. I leave every time feeling misunderstood and alone. No one gets me. They assume everything about me but no one ever sat down to talk with me and get to know me and why I’m there. It was then, that I realize that some churches are not what they are suppose to be.

I left feeling horrible, not uplifted. No one came to ask me how I felt or if I wanted to talk. They just left me there.

My walk with God is lonely.  No one cares to hear my story. No one cares to listen. So, I bottle it all up inside. It wasn’t until a few moments ago that I realized something powerful. Every time someone tries to put me down or tell me who I am, that is when I know I’m on the right track. Every time that happens, something good comes out of their negative words.

We are to uplift not tear down.

I held on to every single dream I had in my heart. I told some people and they tried to discourage me or tell me why I can’t do it.  I’ve been misjudged by those I cared about. They choose not to love and encourage me but to kick me when I was down. This came from various people, whether in church or not.

The greatest thing I have is my faith and integrity. Without these two things, I am nothing.

Faith doesn’t equate perfection. I will tell you I had my moments of doubt. I had my moments where I wanted to die and give up. Life was just too unbearable. Suffering is inevitable.

But this time around, despite my nonsense, despite the pain, I held on to God. I was angry with Him, but I didn’t run away from Him. I stood still in my anger and raged through it. I experienced every single feeling: from anger to hopelessness to despair.

I can honestly say that today, I feel a lot better. It happened through a small prayer in bed before I fell asleep. I admitted that I was wrong and I simply said I will no longer fear anything.

It was that simple. I mean seriously, it was just that simple. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, in terms of my mood, but I will take it a day at a time.

The Christian walk is marked by ups and downs. I decided not to hold on to the guilt of missing the mark but to embrace the grace that Christ had died for. I admitted I was wrong and that I needed Christ Daily.

I also found an article that reminded me just how important spiritual discipline is. I became overwhelmed with trying to better my life, but everything flows from my spiritual health. Not physical, mental or emotional health but my SPIRITUAL HEALTH. Everything flows from God.

He gives us wisdom and understanding. He directs where we go and influences the decisions we make. He sets things in order, behind the scenes. He ordains our future and destiny.

Without Him, our efforts are empty. Personally, without Him I can’t even survive. Literally, God has become the very essence of my well-being. I don’t feel healthy without Him. I begin to wither and die like a plant.

The source of my joy is right relationship with Him. My heart became dirty with disappointment and fear. I was too busy to read the bible, pray or even worship through song. God was literally squeezed out of my life because I had too much going on.

I also blamed Him for certain things in my life, instead of trusting that all things will work together for my good.

Despite all of my failures, God has kept me and given me peace this day. It took a bad situation for me to see the truth. I must always remind myself of  who God is and what I know about myself.

I will never be loud or arrogant to prove anything to anyone. I will quietly leave my mark on this earth. I want to be known as the Woman that loved God and walked with Him. For in my weaknesses, He is gloried and in my victories, He is declared King.

Those that love you, will seek to understand you. As Christians, we are called to love one another. That means to truly get to know those we are serving and in fellowship with. Not judging them, putting them in a box and then tossing them aside to move on. Truly connect with people and help them where they are.

 

That is all for now,

 

Stand Still And Know That He Is God

I woke up this morning and looked up the word apathy. Apathy and depression get used interchangeably but they are not the same. You can feel apathetic and not be depressed. Disappointments and struggles in life can leave you feeling numb.

I have come to say that it is alright to have these feelings. I’ve come to tell you that it’s okay not to know what to do anymore or how to save yourself. As a human, we don’t know everything. We cannot do everything. When we push and push and press and press and try to do everything simply to keep up appearances, we are 1. being fake and simply trying to impress people around us, and 2. we are taking over God’s job.

I remember this song I use to sing when I was on my high school choir: ” Stand still and know that He is God.” Breaking it down it goes:

Stand still and know that he is God. /Know that He will never leave your side. /He’ll fight your battles IF YOU LET HIM, He’ll be your REFUGE, He’ll be your COMFORT./ So You should Let go, Let God Have His way.

I thought about Job, who fell on hard times, losing everything including his health and his children. Instead of him trying to figure things out and PUSH and impress his friends, he went to God. He went to God with his raw and honest feelings. He knew God was sovereign……this sovereignty of God that ….God is truly Mighty, a King, the creator and in control over everything.  He didn’t try to cure himself, find a new job, adopt more children, He simply went to the one who created everything.  He ran to God for an explanation, He didn’t try to coerce God with His prayers. He didn’t try to bribe God with his worship. He simply sought God with the very issue on his heart. He was real, He was open and He was humble.

It’s not your burden to carry! It’s not your battle to fight! Bad things happen in life, it’s not your fault! Let it go and let it be! Cry out to God and let Him hear the pain and concerns in your heart. Your friends and family may not understand what you’re going through and they might not even love you in the way that you need, but this is the defining moment. The time where you learn to go to God only. He might send His hands and feet along the way, but keep them in their rightful place: as His hands and feet.

God will never dismiss your feelings. God will never make it seem as if you have to work harder, push harder and bust your brains over an issue. He will never ask you to do more than you can handle. If He calls you to it, He will strengthen you.

In the end, Job was restored and it was better than how he started. But no where did it say that Job had to manufacture his blessings. God simply gave them to him in due season.

 

STOP COMPLAINING!

I decided that I don’t want to sit around having a round table discussion about my problems. Neither do I want to participate in listening. I’m not trying to be selfish or anything but it really solves NOTHING when we sit around and  discuss how horrible life is. I find myself participating in things that drain my spirit: leaving me hollow, tired, and sad. I depend on the joy of God but if I’m feeding my soul with negativity, how can I be a productive christian? We can discuss our problems all day until we are blue in the face but what are we going to do about it? I’m making a conscious decision to walk away from every negative conversation. If I have a problem I will pray. When I am sad, I will speak the truth of God’s word over my circumstances. This cycle of complaining needs to end.

 

Sadly, I will have to put in great effort to stay away from people who love to complain. Who only see the negative in every situation. Who let their feelings cloud their judgement and chose not to let God work in their lives. You become just like the company you keep. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, you cannot fix them. If this person is you, you are in control over your actions. YOU CHOOSE whether or not you want to trust in God. You choose whether or not you will listen to good advice. You CHOOSE!

So don’t blame anyone for the problems in your life. We all have struggles: from the rich to the poor, Black, White and those in between, Christians and Non-Believers. We are all suffering in this world of sin and we need to realize that. Pity-party and complaining will get us no where.

For those that believe in Christ we have hope. There is a bigger responsibility for us to depend on God and wait and trust in him. It is our responsibility to chase after him. We have a greater responsibility to be a joyful example of God’s grace.

Throw away fear. Throw away insecurity. Throw away negativity. Throw away pity-party and pride and chase after Jesus.

There are TONS of scripture about complaining, negativity, etc.

Here’s a link to give you a head start.

Soaring Above The Clouds.

“Soaring above the clouds.”

When you think about it, this quote is very meaningful. What do clouds do? They cover the sun. Many times they bring rain storms, thunder and lightening. They invoke fear and boredom in those that do not wish to party in the rain. The sun that clouds block is the source of our nourishment. It gives us a sense of vitality, warmth and happiness.

Sometimes we allow clouds to cover the sun in our lives. Clouds can manifest as negative people who want to damper your happiness or quest for something more in life. Be wary of those that will put blame on you because you choose not to sit around and mope about anything in life. Sometimes cloudy people will think you do not deserve the success you are striving for.

Clouds can also manifest as circumstances. It may be an illness, death of a family member or losing your job. Whatever it is, it is a huge cloud that covers your vitality, warmth and means to grow.

Last but not least, clouds can take the form of negative thoughts. Negative internal thoughts that bring about sadness or a sense of failure even before you started. Pity -party, negativity, and drama are all part of your persona. Don’t do it. Don’t make excuses or else you too will become a cloud blocking someone’s sun.

So what must we do? We must soar above every cloud. How do we do it? First we must believe we can. Who gives us the power to do so? Christ does! We can try in our own power to overcome the clouds but humans do not naturally possess that ability. We will always be fighting to fly above the clouds but not effortlessly soaring. God makes it easier to fly and soar in the sky because he promised in his word to make our burdens lighter. Clouds can also be the mistakes of our pasts. However, God promised that he will no longer remember our failures. So, if God the creator of the universe forgives us of our offenses why should we allow ourselves to sink in a bottomless pit of guilt.

Shake off your past, your failures, negative people, negative thoughts and reach for the SON of God who forgives sins and right wrongs and gives many many opportunities for growth and warmth in him. Help others to soar as well. That’s how we find ourselves above every cloud in this life.

It’s not easy, but there must be a constant effort to believe that it is possible.

Holiness: Celebrating our Uniqueness in Christ.

From the moment we give our life to Christ and make him Lord of our lives, we are marked and every demon is on the attack. I knew this, but there were so many times when I was complacent because I couldn’t see demons or the kingdom of darkness.

Not to mention when one becomes complacent in their walk with God, Satan makes every opportunity to use our weakness to turn against God. We are naturally weak and defenseless against the attacks of Satan. It is only through Christ that we have power.

Over the course of a year or so, I was constantly hearing in my spirit to be still and  silent. God will move but you must be silent.  Did I listen? Nope. I found it necessary to speak  because it’s natural to defend. What do I have to prove? What can I do in my own strength to change anyone or their opinions of me? How is that going to make me feel better?

As a child my way of surviving was to stand up for myself and prove how strong I was. To this day, I struggle with that mindset. The biblical way to stand up to a bully is through love, submission and if all doesn’t work, removing oneself silently to avoid conflict. Too often I forget that this struggle is not with people but with the devil himself.

Too often the devil will use whatever means to get us to feel unworthy of God’s love, unable to act in God’s love, and to run away in defeat.  Too often the feeling of loneliness, not fitting in, being persecuted in various ways will wear us down when we lose sight of Christ.

Some of us respond by withdrawing, others in depression, some by backsliding in order to fit in ,  even others compromise to avoid conflict. I can personally say I’ve done all of those things. None of them fixed the problem. The feeling of emptiness is consuming. It’s an endless cycle of defeat. It’s only when I fall on my face and just worship Christ that I find purpose, healing and peace. Our whole lives are to be spent in worship. From the time we wake up to the time we sleep. From our choices, our group of friends, what we discuss, what we listen to, how we dress and how we react.

I realize now that this is not about winning, this isn’t about proving, this isn’t about perfection, it’s not about works but faith. Faith displayed in praise. My prayer for those reading is to continue walking in Christ, do not give up on praise. Do not give up on worship. Fight with the means of the Word of God, Prayer and spending time with God. Pray always. Never cease. Pray for each other as Paul commanded in his letters.

When you are lost and don’t know what to do, stand still. When you are being pushed to the limit, keep silent. When you feel hopeless keep singing. When you are sad look to the gospel. Don’t wait until something horrible happens to slap you into shape. But know that if that correction comes, it is for your own good.

You hear so often that “she was a good person” and ” he would do anything for anyone”, therefore, they must be with God. On the contrary, it is only those that trust and believe in Christ will be with him. We are different and unique not because of how good we are but because of how good He is, because of how righteous and holy and merciful he is. Simply because he is God.

So let’s celebrate.

Let’s Cling To Hope…

As I walk through my neighborhood, I couldn’t help but notice the mindset of the people here.

Most people have a sense of entitlement when they dealt with each other, but when it pertains to things like the quality of their food supply or the beauty of their street corners, they accept whatever they get.

Men and women that lack any sense of self respect. They live for each other: being wanted and needed but not necessarily the right way.

A “me, myself, and I” world but deep inside their actions are controlled by a need to be accepted.

They lash out with violence, sex, and all kinds of immorality. When I walk outside, I envision a spiritual war zone. Well, I could feel it. These last days, my emotional and spiritual senses have increased. Never pray for something you are not willing to endure.

As I began to see the world around me, my own nature started to take form. The way I react to certain situations and people.

Ignoring a situation won’t make it go away. Getting upset won’t change it either. Somethings with effort might never change, but then where does change start anyway?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that in many ways some of us are a pawn in a larger show.

Who are these pawns? The evil people. People who do not know God and forfeited their lives. They do not walk with God, therefore they do not have life. They walk around boastful, hateful, selfish. They believe that their actions are justified with no remorse. They hurt people and it fills their happy meter. Yes, there are people in this world that are evil. They do not have to kill a person physically to be evil. Anything outside of God is evil.

This is what I also noticed.

Evil people are pawns. Look at Satan, he’s a pawn. Every evil act these people do will build up the church. When Christians are persecuted, they cling and find hope in God. They no longer trust in their own feeble strength. If it wasn’t for my own personal persecution, I know exactly what kind of person I would be.

However, as evil as some people are, God still loves them. Hard to understand right? Well, here’s the thing: We were all once evil and every one of us still have a sinful nature.

God brought us out of the world of sin and into the world of grace. It is this grace that we can be made into the image of God: sanctified, holy, and full of grace.

The world is a dark and evil place. The evil comes from humans themselves. Humans are NOT good. We don’t just have goodness spilling out from us.

I remember fearing what people could do. I also remember when my trust in God’s power and protection was restored, fear left.

Humans live in fear. They fear loss, death, and separation. God said that he will never leave us. He said that he will supply all our needs and he said that Jesus has conquered death and we now have eternal life in him.

When I get too caught up in the pains of life, I forget who I’ve become. I forget who God says I am. We must not forget. We must not let darkness touch our soul again. We must chase after God with a desperation. This desperate need to be saved from our filthy desires. We cannot overcome our sin if we forget who God is.

Silence In The Darkness II

I think my actions forced me into silence. Honestly, I am very happy to have this silence. I am free to think. I am free to study. I am free to seek.

As confusing life is to me, I know that God has not deserted me. As evil my nature is, God has not turned his back on me.

Sometimes we can have good intentions, sometimes we think we are doing the right thing for ourselves to find out that it was flat-out wrong. But the joy I have is in productivity.

I am no longer a busy body like my teenage self doing everything and anything. I calculate my days and what needs to get done. I make time to take care of my body and adopting proper eating habits.

However, there is still room for improvement. My last post was titled:  “Silence in the darkness”.

I know for a fact that this is the silent part of my journey. I already know that I am a hopeless human being but I didn’t realize how hopeless I was.

As dismal as that is, the reality of it all is that I’m realizing more and more that only God is good and there is no way that I can be good in my own strength.

Not spending time in God’s presence is my problem. I always say I don’t have time even when I do. It’s always an excuse for me. The passion has left and I blame it on time. Then when something pops up I get upset with myself and the cycle continues.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think about God and I thank him for all he does in my life. However that is not enough. At some point I realized that I was spiritually blind. Spiritually dumb.

I was comfortable in my own folly. I made excuses for my own sins and  attitudes. I made goals without asking God exactly when and how.

It’s way to easy to fall off track when you make excuses. It’s way too easy to fall of track when you are worrying about who hurt you or how tired you are after a long day of work and chores. It’s easy to fall off track when you are too caught up being angry with yourself.

I decided this was a wake up call. Honestly, I am tired of wake up calls. I want to reach a place where they are few and far in between.

The word of God is like a flicker of light, a spark of fire in the darkness. Every sparkle and every flick illuminates each tile, brick or step of the way. It doesn’t illuminate the whole path, just the steps we need to take.

Satan is on the side lines trying to divert our attention  to what he has to offer ( the state of the world) . It may be enticing because it is easy, or maybe because everyone is doing it. Other times it could be because the light hasn’t shown up fast enough. Some of us could be on one step or tile for years. It seems fitting that we can take a detour.

However, as we move from beginners or babies to mature or elders, Satan’s tactics would soon begin to appear dull or desperate. He might even try new ways but because of our maturity in Christ we can rest on what we know of him and his ways/timing.

The Holy Spirit is with us throughout this journey. He reminds us of what we know and he will reveal to us what we need to know. That’s the comfort we have. He also gives us the authority and the power to stand against the bully ( Satan) in Jesus name.

This is exactly how it’s coming to me and it’s making sense. Along the way we develop new skills called virtues that help us reach our goal: heaven.  Most importantly it also  living life as a testimony of God’s grace and love for everyone. Soon that spark will light up other lives. I always wondered what makes a christian mature and now I’m seeing that it comes from experience: trials and tribulations.

Being alone in the dark is scary at first but sometimes necessary. We begin to notice our surroundings, our spiritual state and our relationship with God.

I guess despite everything, today was a good day.

Silence In The Darkness.

For the last few weeks my life has been topsy turvy, emotional and crazy. I don’t know where front and end or up and down, meet. I feel tossed around. I can’t hone in and truly feel my emotions. I feel disloyal to myself sometimes. But there is something in me that is telling me to hold my ground. Do not give in to the pressure and retaliation of what’s going on.

Being silent in terms of not standing up for myself is hard. I’m so use to expressing how I feel that I forget that I need to stop. I feel as if God is asking me to let him fight my battles. I feel as if he is asking me to trust him and love him and to forget my feelings and my cares when it comes to other people for a while.

It’s hard. I hate feeling this way. I hate being tossed to the side by people I care about. I hate it. I hate being lied to. I hate being taken for granted.

I don’t know how I am going to do this but I am asking for God to give me the strength and the knowledge of how to be silent. I need to be invisible right now.

I know there is something I am not seeing. I can’t see it. What is happening to my already messed up world? I didn’t think it was possible to lose anymore than I had already lost; but it happened. It happened suddenly and painfully.

Psalms 118:8. I keep saying this over and over again, I don’t care about people or what they do but honestly I do care. I care when I put effort into something and it’s not returned. Sometimes I question if it’s wrong to expect love and care from those you love and care for.

I had a realization that my life is changing and that the ideals and my way of thinking are being changed. I feel as if the walls around my heart and mind and everything I cling to are being broken. I don’t like it. It hurts more than I expected. I do know, though, that there is something to look forward to. That despite everything that is happening, I can put my hope in a new and better me.  Not in a selfish, self preserving way but a me that is God created.

I think the greatest thing I can do right now is to stand still. I want to run away but I will face everything that comes. Facing everything in silence. There is nothing to defend or prove. Nothing to argue over. Nothing to cry about. Nothing to be sad over.

I have no idea what the future holds but I’m going to hold God’s hand. I need him to lead me on this path that is dark, lonely and scary. There is no light. It’s like I’m walking with my eyes closed. How scary is it to do such a thing without a guide.