Tag Archives: Life

The Dream That Spoke To My Spirit

I had a dream last night

that dream spoke to the depths of my soul

and ignited my spirit ablaze.

A quiet anger, contemplative thoughts

that propelled me to free fall into the ocean of my

pain.

And in that pain I found an answer.

I found the answer I was looking for and a solution that requires nothing more than

me being my authentic self.

I remember reading about the Samaritan woman and Jesus telling her

a day will come when we will worship as we are.

Casting down all that keeps us looking clean and untouched on the outside.

I realized the beauty of brokenness and approaching God hurt and busted.

The awesomeness of approaching God angry.

In my mess, all I could do was cry out. All I could do was cry.

You see, we have to pretend we have it all figured out. We have to pretend

“fake it till we make it”, pretend we love people, put on a stupid show and everyone

is festering and rotting on the inside. We have dead eyes and fake smiles, lukewarm handshakes, show off hallelujahs ….

where are people that are willing to go up to the altar broken.

Where are the people willing to wail and cry before God?

Where are those that are mad, confused, hurt and battered?

Where are those weary and faint?

Where are the lame, the weak, the widowed and the fatherless?

Where are the poor and the hungry?

Where are the forgotten, abandoned and rejected?

Where are the sinners and the backsliders?

Truth be told, they are right here. You and me.

And yet, we pretend to be everything we are not.

We are told that we must come to God perfect, we must always be perfect

and yet, people are sharing false doctrine, feel good gospel and promise of prosperity.

We are feeding the shepard but the shepard isn’t feeding the flock.  The sheep has to protect the shepard, but the shepard let’s his sheep wander off.  If you are the so called keeper of our souls, why are we keeping yours? Don’t elevate yourself to the place where only God can sit.

We hold spiritual gifts as markers of conversion but not fruit. We bribe God with tithes and offerings.

We dangle our faults and our lack thereof as a way to boast of how spiritual we are.

We pretend, go to church, get angry, gossip, undermine and hurt each other only to continue that cycle.

We tolerate abuse and injustice in the name of Christ, when there are times when we must stand up against injustice and abuse!

Who are we?

My dream opened the flood gates of my mind and heart

and I am flying among the things I can no longer tolerate.

This is what change does. It’s not always clear cut and comforting.

Sometimes it’s dirty, like child birth : bloody, painful and yet, rewarding.

I want to believe I’m free.

I must believe I’m free.

The dream that will change everything.

 

There Is No Formula

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

You can’t approach God like a math problem to be solved.

You can’t find steps in the Bible, apply them, and expect an outcome.

I know people say you can, and preach about it…maybe it works for them,

but for me, that’s not the case. I didn’t find peace after praying. I didn’t even find joy in it.

I didn’t find immediate comfort after reading the bible, or seeking prayer from other Christians.

The only thing I did was wait.  I mean, seriously, I couldn’t manipulate the situation or change my feelings. I couldn’t fake happiness or joy. I couldn’t just think positively and fake it till I made it. I had to just sit in all of it and wait.

I couldn’t manipulate, convince or negotiate with God. I couldn’t get Him to do what I wanted with any of my actions.

I just woke up today feeling joyful. I stopped caring about a lot of things and just left it alone. I desperately needed rest. I rested for almost two months. In those two months I was miserable and overwhelmed. I tried everything : praying, crying, asking for advice, seeking prayer from Churches and Christians, singing, YOU NAME IT. Nothing worked.

Will I always feel joyful? I think I can but feelings are fleeting. People say joy isn’t influenced by our circumstances. It’s somewhat true but who can be joyful when something bad is happening at the moment? I mean, I want to believe that there is a time and a place for sorrow and joy. You can’t expect to be happy or joyful all the time. I think faith requires more than that. That you can be as hopeless as Job and Elijah in their seasons of struggle but still hold on to God.

God gave Elijah rest. Resting is so important. We fear losing everything if we rest but resting requires faith that God will take care of us. I had to let go of my need to control, plan and prosper and just rest.

Life can be tough. LIFE IS TOUGH. So why complicate it any more than it is. Hard work and rest has their due time and season.

There is no formula for joy. Just be alive and you’ll experience many different emotions, feelings and state of mind. The only hope we have is that we know God is real, He hears prayers and that He is the source of our well-being. I guess joy is just simply who you put your trust in.

Until next time,

Friend or Foe?

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Man oh man!

I’m sorry but excuse me? How did I not see this coming? It’s okay though,  I understand now.

CYCLES! History constantly repeats itself until you get it!

Step 1: Identify your weak points and discipline yourself to strengthen them!

That means removing triggers, being aware and slowing down when making decisions!

Step 2: Identify those that undermine you and by all means throw them in the trash!

You are not strong! Don’t try to put up with it, rationalize it out of existence or make excuses for this person. Get rid of them at all cost. There is no negotiating or pleading with these people. Feelings don’t change overnight. You will know a malicious person, set to undermine you when:

1. They put you down whether overtly or covertly through insults, comparisons, or dismissive behavior.

2. You notice you become confused, sad, resentful and private.

Why? Because their aim is to make you feel WORTHLESS!

3. This will happen for the rest of your life so get use to it.

4. Slowly build a support system that will surround you and uplift you during your times in need.

By all means shun every single church, or person that doesn’t fit this qualification. There are churches out there that will make you paranoid, zap you of your life and vitality and make you walk around with constant guilt. Be patient and take your time creating this circle. State what you expect ahead of time and watch people carefully. Circumstances and situations will expose a person.

You deserve to be loved and honored. Don’t settle for less than that! Your inner circle should be people that would even lay their lives down for you and vise versa. Not people that just want to be around you and have a good time, or hear your woes but don’t actually want to root for you and uplift you as a person. This means a lot especially when you are low.  No one will always be happy and full of joy and on cloud 9, 10 and 11, so you need a system of people that will encourage and push you forward. Job had horrible friends. God knew that too and Job had to pray for them, so God would forgive them for judging him and speaking falsely on God’s behalf. But then we see Jonathan, who was not only willing to give up all he had for David, for He understood the calling on David’s life, but was supportive and spoiled the plans of his father Saul to protect his friend. Your friends are LOYAL to you and do not want to see you harmed.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get this right, right way. I wanted to feel guilty for allowing certain people in my life but what will guilt do? Guilt just robs you of your vitality and hinders you from growing and learning. For some, this comes naturally, for others, not so much.

Be willing to walk alone for a season until you find those that will surround you with the love you deserve and help you reach your goals in life. We need each other, but we need the right people!

Until next time,

 

 

 

 

What Do You Want?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

This is an on whim post.

I am not only sharing this but it’s documentation for future reference. I will save this in the bin of things to read after a year or two.

This weekend was stressful. I haven’t had to deal with this issue in a long time and it was quite a shock for me to deal with it once again. You know when you get tired of dealing with an issue for years but feel trapped? You’ve tried everything possible but nothing works.

I’m going to be real and raw : when you pray to God and ask for help and he gives you 1 million encouraging words like : peace and hold on and go forth and be strong, only for you to stare that same problem in the face.

You’ve tried everything, nothing works. You reach out for help but people don’t care, don’t understand. They leave you there to figure it out on your own but wonder why you don’t want anything to do with them.

We live in a world where people are cruel. People don’t care about you until you’re dead. Then they will say, I wish I knew or I wish I had done something to prevent this from happening. But all the while, you had asked them for help but they didn’t care to help.

So one day, I was fed up and took a leap of faith. Where I am today was because of my own hard work, vision and faith in God.

I have made peace with the fact that people don’t care and are cruel. These people will try to kill your dreams. They will open their mouths and use their words to kill you. If you are in a broken place, they will succeed. The only way to protect yourself in a broken place is to have selective hearing.

YOU MUST SHUN AT ALL COST anything negative being spoken to you. It’s not anything  mystical, it’s a simple fact that your ears are a gateway to your heart. Your eyes and ears are gateways to your heart. Your mouth is the exit of your heart. So those people are speaking from what is in their hearts. But if you listen and observe what they are saying, they can begin to shape and mold you.

You must NOT allow anyone to plant that seed in your heart. Everything you become starts from your heart. This is why the Bible warns us about guarding our hearts.

The greatest way to silence your enemies is to continue living your life as if their words have no weight. Your mere presence is a threat to them and that’s their battle to fight.

So I ask, ” what do you want? What makes you happy?” Do what YOU want without apology. If it’s wrong, God will make it right. If it’s too far left, God will push it a little more to the left. Let GOD mold you, not people. Don’t you ever do anything simply because people say so, but because you know in your heart it’s the right thing to do. Everyone is living their lives, including those trying to dictate yours.

The greatest thing you could ever do is accept yourself as you are.

The way you are is perfect and God can use you as you are right now. Perfectionism is a sham. It’s just there to keep you crippled in an infinite loop of madness,  unlike the line of progression of authenticity.

Being authentic comes with a price: you will have people that love you and those that hate you. At first it might seem as if everyone hates you but there will be those that will identify you and admire you. The beauty of it is that when you were trying to please people and remain unnoticed by fitting in, people still hated you. But now  you know who loves you as the real you.

Everyone goes through this. The journey between childhood and adulthood is a turbulent one. It is an uncertain phase and you must learn to shift out what you have been taught with what is truth. Not everything taught is truth.

Who do you want to be? I stopped asking God what I should do with my life. You will either know from youth or walk into it as you live. Most of us walk into it. God doesn’t reveal things at once. If so, then we wouldn’t need him and life would be predicable. What would we learn? For those that already know, only know so much.

Life is like jumping in the dark. You can’t see beyond eye view and sometimes you can’t see at all. You must take jumps: some small and some big. Where you land, the floor tiles light up, enabling you to see. As you keep jumping,3 you are able to see what was behind you and from eye view, what’s around you. If you refuse to jump, you won’t be able to see or make progress.

We also jump in our own ways. Some of us only have one leg. Some of us have a crutch. Others have both legs. Some of us are taller and some shorter. Others of us are heavier and some lighter. The way we jump and how we land are influenced by these factors. People might say one way is better than the other but that’s not true. God made you as you are and even if it was from life’s circumstances, this is who you are. The way you jump and land is YOUR STORY and it’s a unique one. It’s YOURS. Striving for the unknown, best jump is not only ignorant but a waste of time. We shouldn’t strive to have the same story but to find ways to share our own unique stories. We will find our people. We will find common ground with those that jump differently but we are all here to motivate and encourage one another to jump.

When we bicker and fight we stop jumping. Then our world becomes dark and we can only see what’s behind us.

This year I’ve thrown down the veil of perfectionism and take up the mantle of faith.

I will walk as I am, talk as I am and live as I am. I will keep jumping and leaping and landing. I will let my leaps paint a picture of light around me.

With faith, no one can crush you. With faith, no one can take away your dreams or your joy. With faith, hope follows and with hope there is peace.

The bible says do not fear EVIL people with their wicked schemes.

Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7 NLT

Just keep leaping and landing and one day you’ll find yourself where you need to be. The Lord is faithful to guide our imperfect steps. He is God and we are not. Accept who you are and cling tightly to the one who has the power to save you.

 

 

Knowledge, Understanding and Wisdom

I use to believe that title, prestige, high recommendations and being plastered everywhere, was a sign that a school, institution, store, product or service would be the best in it’s field.

However, this time around, my perspective has changed somewhat. After living life a little, I’ve seen people go to prestigious schools but end up with nothing to show for it and other people, who started off in a not so glamorous way, finding hidden resources and having the wisdom to use it effectively in their own life.

One size does not fit all. Just because the masses agree, doesn’t mean it’s for you. Knowledge is meaningless without understanding and wisdom. We need more than just knowing something, we must process this knowledge, comprehend it and then find ways to utilize this knowledge, implementing it in our daily lives so we can reach our goals and full potential. Knowledge without wisdom a waste of time.  You can go to Harvard, complete all the fancy courses and still come out as empty as you started. You had no plan, no strategy. You didn’t know how to use the resources available to you, and you didn’t know what you wanted to use them for.

You must be completely aware and present at all times. In the quest for knowledge, we sometimes go through the motions, following what our instructors or peers recommend without asking ourselves what we want and where we need to go.

Your choices may not look like anyone’s, but are you ready to make the best out of every decision in your life? Taking the good and bad and using them as stepping stones to get to where you need to be?

When one door closes, another one opens.  Never cry over closed doors and missed opportunities. If you are alive, you have more than enough to keep striving and moving forward.

Having a hammer but not knowing how to use it is pointless. It’s the same with everyday life and learning. Don’t allow people, your insecurities or whatever distraction/pressure, deter you from making the best out of every situation and gleaning what you need from it.

Make the best of it all. Use all your resources wisely and never give up.

 

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The Old Things Have Died A Death by Fire…

christopher-burns-369659

Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash

Sometimes you want to go back to who you were yesterday but you can’t. The situation has changed you. You can’t go back, no matter how hard you try. Old you, now feels inauthentic, but new, present you feels full of uncertainty.

“What am I suppose to do now?”, you wonder. “How am I suppose to function?” “Will people notice that I am changed?”

Of course! It’s hard embracing mindsets, feelings and goals that are way different from what you had before. I can assure you that it’s for a greater reason. One more stepping stone to get to the other side.

Sometimes we are faced with situations that challenge our beliefs. That takes us outside of our tiny boxes and forces us to see everything outside of it.

Because sometimes, these uncomfortable situations are meant for us to see ourselves and what we truly want. The things we buried deep inside hoping they will go away.

I know deep down with a certainty that God can take that very thing, dust it off, clean it up, and make it new again. He can turn that very thing into something beautiful. He will refine it with fire, don’t be afraid of the heat. Heat purifies. Because while it’s good for you, it’s ultimately for His glory. He does it for his reputation, his name sake. He does everything with excellence, so don’t think you can rush or bribe him into doing things your way. He knows what’s best.

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A Gentle Reminder…

I want to take the time to address something I’ve been going through this week. My aim is to share my thoughts, feelings and the way I want to solve this issue.

I am naturally an ambition person. From since I was a child, I had goals, dreams ,  aspirations and set out to accomplish them all. Then life hit me. I was sick for a very long time.

I tried everything to get better from changing my diet to seeing different doctors but no one could help me. I was dismissed too. It was a very troubling time for me. My life came to a screeching halt.

This week I was feeling very anxious. I wanted things to change. I was restless again. Seeking any way I could change my reality. However, I had to pause. I had to take a deep breath and analyze my emotions. My feelings are so harsh. Why am I being so harsh on myself? I push myself daily to do things I couldn’t do a few years ago, even a few months ago. I made mistakes along the way but honestly, I should be celebrating the little accomplishments. But I couldn’t because I’m stuck in the future. I had to reel myself back into the present. I had to make up my mind to thank God for where I am today. I am a completely different person: new mindset, new outlook and doing a lot more than I’ve ever thought I could. Yes, it took years to get here, but so what! I should be thanking God for life! I should be thanking God that I can finally walk longer than a block without assistance. No longer throwing up my food. No longer feeling so tired I couldn’t get out of bed. Now, I can take very long walks. I can do light exercise! God revealed to me  the food that makes me sick (long but amazing testimony). My skin is glowing. I sleep like a normal person most of the time. Yes, I do have aches and pains…..BUT SO WHAT! When I get so caught up in the future, I must remind myself that slow and steady wins the race. One day I’ll look back at my youth and say…..she never gave up! She obeyed and trusted in God and look at what He’s done!

“Be kind to yourself”, I tell myself. “The whole world is harsh already. God loves you just the way you are. He knows your heart, He sees that you want to soar the clouds so badly, but learn to trust in Him for strength even in the ditch. A wise man said that you learn valuable lessons in the ditch. Lessons and skills that will help you once you reach the sky. Thank God, with a heart of gratitude for all your little accomplishments. You have nothing to prove to anyone but a testimony is being written as you live each day. Clothe yourself with joy and let the peace of God be your compass. The greatest accomplishment you can ever achieve in life is your God given calling and assignment. Everything else is to add a little flavor in between. Whatever God calls you to, He will get you to it. I owe Him my whole life.”

Much love to you all.

Do Not Hide

During my time talking to my Heavenly Father, I said something that really got me thinking. I said ” Lord, I will run to you and not hide like Adam did in the garden.”

The “me” from a few years ago, would hide from God. I would not pray, I would not seek him. I would not want to even hear him. I tried to hide ( and I learned very quickly that you cannot hide from God). I just didn’t want to be bothered. I couldn’t open up. I was confined to the borders of my mind and inner world.

That prayer allowed me to see just how much I’ve grown closer to God. I am naturally a private and quiet person but there is something comforting in being open and bare before the LORD.

Because of that prayer and confession, I was able to do what I am not able to do through my own effort. Trust me, it was effortless and came without regret, but my natural self wouldn’t normally do it. I rose above a seemingly annoying situation and can rest knowing that God gets the glory in the end.

There was a reason David was called a man after God’s heart. He was by no means perfect ( I am not condoning sin), but he ran to God for everything. He believed that God would not just hear him, but do something. He believed God would soothe the sting of sin in his life. He believed God could save him from his enemies. He believed it all and ran to God first, unlike Adam, who hid behind the bushes when God visited him and his wife. They hid from God. They tried to cover their shame from God. God never assumes anything even though he knows all and can give his judgement without our input. But God loves talk to us. Communication is the basis of our relationships. He asked Adam: ” where are you”, “who told you?” , and “did you?” God asked questions so we may give him answers. So we may express what is in us. They could’ve said ” God , help us. We disobeyed, save us from our poor decision!” The mercy of God would probably have been there to embrace them. But thank you God that your mercy was prepared before they were even created.

Mercy is wrapped up in a beautiful package. That package came to earth in the form of Jesus. Jesus reminds me daily of what God’s mercy looks like. I don’t have to do anything but run into my Father’s arms and snuggle close to him and say thank you. It is in his love that we find all that we need. Spiritual needs that outweigh everything else. The best part is, God can meet ALL of our needs too…just how he sees fit, as we know what he does is always best for us.

I guess all I wanted to say is that I will approach God boldly, without reserve and without fear. No fear because God is love. No fear because there is no condemnation to those that love Christ.

 

Good Morning!

I woke up today so happy. Nothing has changed at all, but I am full of joy. There is hope in this life and the next. Hope and security in knowing that my God is always with me. That nothing can separate us. People may be able to destroy my body, but they cannot separate my spirit from God’s spirit. People might try to persuade me to go the opposite direction, but if I know God’s word and his promises, I will always choose the right way. Life troubles come and go, but through it all, I can talk to God and let his words comfort me.

The best thing to wake up everyday to is PURPOSE. It’s an awesome feeling when God gives clarity to a situation. When He makes the way clear. The cloud of confusion is gone. So everyday you set out with direction towards a known goal,  (WOOO!) and that goal leads into the ultimate dream.