Tag Archives: Perseverence

Who am I?

In pain I can find joy. To see my humanity and  finally admit that I am nothing without the Almighty.

Who am I? Who am I in a world that is not my home? Who am I in a crowd that forsakes the ONE?

It’s so easy to get caught up in a lie. Easy to believe a lie. To believe that you will always stay in a rut, that no one loves you, that you’re not good enough, that you have something to prove. God’s love is unconditional. His love covers our sins and our short comings. His love will take us out of the pit and place us in his heavenly home. His love completed everything so we have nothing to prove.

True Joy comes from identity in Christ. Becoming more and more Christ-like everyday. The devil is real and he sends people, circumstances etc to distract us. We also wrestle with our flesh and it’s desires. The price was already paid and we are already heaven bound from the moment we repented and accepted Christ as our savior. However, we must restate our allegiance daily. We must keep focused on our destination: heaven. We don’t have to fight but just STAND. Stand with the armor of God. If we are overcome with too much, continue to stand and hide under the protection of God.

It’s so easy to forget who we are in a world that is not our home. It’s so easy to run away from God because we are afraid or want a faster solution. I am willing to admit that as a Christian I fall short daily and I fall short miserably. However, by the Grace of God I can run to him and ask for forgiveness. I can press the reset button and keep moving. It is by diligence and perseverance that we can see the face of God.

So today, I challenge myself and those reading to claim their inheritance and identity everyday. Say out loud ” I am a child of God. Christ has forgiven me and I have a new identity in him.” Don’t be afraid of anything. Be courageous!

 

Holiness: Celebrating our Uniqueness in Christ.

From the moment we give our life to Christ and make him Lord of our lives, we are marked and every demon is on the attack. I knew this, but there were so many times when I was complacent because I couldn’t see demons or the kingdom of darkness.

Not to mention when one becomes complacent in their walk with God, Satan makes every opportunity to use our weakness to turn against God. We are naturally weak and defenseless against the attacks of Satan. It is only through Christ that we have power.

Over the course of a year or so, I was constantly hearing in my spirit to be still and  silent. God will move but you must be silent.  Did I listen? Nope. I found it necessary to speak  because it’s natural to defend. What do I have to prove? What can I do in my own strength to change anyone or their opinions of me? How is that going to make me feel better?

As a child my way of surviving was to stand up for myself and prove how strong I was. To this day, I struggle with that mindset. The biblical way to stand up to a bully is through love, submission and if all doesn’t work, removing oneself silently to avoid conflict. Too often I forget that this struggle is not with people but with the devil himself.

Too often the devil will use whatever means to get us to feel unworthy of God’s love, unable to act in God’s love, and to run away in defeat.  Too often the feeling of loneliness, not fitting in, being persecuted in various ways will wear us down when we lose sight of Christ.

Some of us respond by withdrawing, others in depression, some by backsliding in order to fit in ,  even others compromise to avoid conflict. I can personally say I’ve done all of those things. None of them fixed the problem. The feeling of emptiness is consuming. It’s an endless cycle of defeat. It’s only when I fall on my face and just worship Christ that I find purpose, healing and peace. Our whole lives are to be spent in worship. From the time we wake up to the time we sleep. From our choices, our group of friends, what we discuss, what we listen to, how we dress and how we react.

I realize now that this is not about winning, this isn’t about proving, this isn’t about perfection, it’s not about works but faith. Faith displayed in praise. My prayer for those reading is to continue walking in Christ, do not give up on praise. Do not give up on worship. Fight with the means of the Word of God, Prayer and spending time with God. Pray always. Never cease. Pray for each other as Paul commanded in his letters.

When you are lost and don’t know what to do, stand still. When you are being pushed to the limit, keep silent. When you feel hopeless keep singing. When you are sad look to the gospel. Don’t wait until something horrible happens to slap you into shape. But know that if that correction comes, it is for your own good.

You hear so often that “she was a good person” and ” he would do anything for anyone”, therefore, they must be with God. On the contrary, it is only those that trust and believe in Christ will be with him. We are different and unique not because of how good we are but because of how good He is, because of how righteous and holy and merciful he is. Simply because he is God.

So let’s celebrate.

Unique…

The more unique you are the harder life is. Why? Because you are different and people do not like when things are different. Insecurity sets in because they cannot control or define you. It scares them and in response they either hate or ignore you. That’s OK because there is something that the unique possess: the natural ability to shine no matter where they are or what they face. Even in weakness they are made beautiful.

Silence In The Darkness II

I think my actions forced me into silence. Honestly, I am very happy to have this silence. I am free to think. I am free to study. I am free to seek.

As confusing life is to me, I know that God has not deserted me. As evil my nature is, God has not turned his back on me.

Sometimes we can have good intentions, sometimes we think we are doing the right thing for ourselves to find out that it was flat-out wrong. But the joy I have is in productivity.

I am no longer a busy body like my teenage self doing everything and anything. I calculate my days and what needs to get done. I make time to take care of my body and adopting proper eating habits.

However, there is still room for improvement. My last post was titled:  “Silence in the darkness”.

I know for a fact that this is the silent part of my journey. I already know that I am a hopeless human being but I didn’t realize how hopeless I was.

As dismal as that is, the reality of it all is that I’m realizing more and more that only God is good and there is no way that I can be good in my own strength.

Not spending time in God’s presence is my problem. I always say I don’t have time even when I do. It’s always an excuse for me. The passion has left and I blame it on time. Then when something pops up I get upset with myself and the cycle continues.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think about God and I thank him for all he does in my life. However that is not enough. At some point I realized that I was spiritually blind. Spiritually dumb.

I was comfortable in my own folly. I made excuses for my own sins and  attitudes. I made goals without asking God exactly when and how.

It’s way to easy to fall off track when you make excuses. It’s way too easy to fall of track when you are worrying about who hurt you or how tired you are after a long day of work and chores. It’s easy to fall off track when you are too caught up being angry with yourself.

I decided this was a wake up call. Honestly, I am tired of wake up calls. I want to reach a place where they are few and far in between.

The word of God is like a flicker of light, a spark of fire in the darkness. Every sparkle and every flick illuminates each tile, brick or step of the way. It doesn’t illuminate the whole path, just the steps we need to take.

Satan is on the side lines trying to divert our attention  to what he has to offer ( the state of the world) . It may be enticing because it is easy, or maybe because everyone is doing it. Other times it could be because the light hasn’t shown up fast enough. Some of us could be on one step or tile for years. It seems fitting that we can take a detour.

However, as we move from beginners or babies to mature or elders, Satan’s tactics would soon begin to appear dull or desperate. He might even try new ways but because of our maturity in Christ we can rest on what we know of him and his ways/timing.

The Holy Spirit is with us throughout this journey. He reminds us of what we know and he will reveal to us what we need to know. That’s the comfort we have. He also gives us the authority and the power to stand against the bully ( Satan) in Jesus name.

This is exactly how it’s coming to me and it’s making sense. Along the way we develop new skills called virtues that help us reach our goal: heaven.  Most importantly it also  living life as a testimony of God’s grace and love for everyone. Soon that spark will light up other lives. I always wondered what makes a christian mature and now I’m seeing that it comes from experience: trials and tribulations.

Being alone in the dark is scary at first but sometimes necessary. We begin to notice our surroundings, our spiritual state and our relationship with God.

I guess despite everything, today was a good day.

Silence In The Darkness.

For the last few weeks my life has been topsy turvy, emotional and crazy. I don’t know where front and end or up and down, meet. I feel tossed around. I can’t hone in and truly feel my emotions. I feel disloyal to myself sometimes. But there is something in me that is telling me to hold my ground. Do not give in to the pressure and retaliation of what’s going on.

Being silent in terms of not standing up for myself is hard. I’m so use to expressing how I feel that I forget that I need to stop. I feel as if God is asking me to let him fight my battles. I feel as if he is asking me to trust him and love him and to forget my feelings and my cares when it comes to other people for a while.

It’s hard. I hate feeling this way. I hate being tossed to the side by people I care about. I hate it. I hate being lied to. I hate being taken for granted.

I don’t know how I am going to do this but I am asking for God to give me the strength and the knowledge of how to be silent. I need to be invisible right now.

I know there is something I am not seeing. I can’t see it. What is happening to my already messed up world? I didn’t think it was possible to lose anymore than I had already lost; but it happened. It happened suddenly and painfully.

Psalms 118:8. I keep saying this over and over again, I don’t care about people or what they do but honestly I do care. I care when I put effort into something and it’s not returned. Sometimes I question if it’s wrong to expect love and care from those you love and care for.

I had a realization that my life is changing and that the ideals and my way of thinking are being changed. I feel as if the walls around my heart and mind and everything I cling to are being broken. I don’t like it. It hurts more than I expected. I do know, though, that there is something to look forward to. That despite everything that is happening, I can put my hope in a new and better me.  Not in a selfish, self preserving way but a me that is God created.

I think the greatest thing I can do right now is to stand still. I want to run away but I will face everything that comes. Facing everything in silence. There is nothing to defend or prove. Nothing to argue over. Nothing to cry about. Nothing to be sad over.

I have no idea what the future holds but I’m going to hold God’s hand. I need him to lead me on this path that is dark, lonely and scary. There is no light. It’s like I’m walking with my eyes closed. How scary is it to do such a thing without a guide.

 

Life, Illness and Expectations

Compared to the average person, my days are not hectic or full of duties to get done in a couple hours. However, each task is time consuming and tiring. Making dinner, taking a shower, walking a couple blocks, cleaning, it can take the whole day to get done. If I find that one day I have a lot of energy but spend it too quickly, I have to spend a couple days recovering. My mind isn’t as sharp as it use to be. I forget things easily and my mental speed has slowed. I feel pain everyday. I wake up stressed physically, most mornings. I’m bloated and tired. Sometimes sleep isn’t restful. This is what it’s like living with an autoimmune disease.

Some people think this is all in our heads or that we will recover tomorrow. But the truth is: we do not know what the future holds but day by day this is a reality for people that live with an autoimmune disease.

I’m not looking for pity but understanding. I want people to understand why I forget who they are after meeting them. Why I don’t hang out with friends like the average 20 something year old. Why people with autoimmune illnesses  struggle just to live a normal life.

Those that suffer never want pity, we want understanding. We also don’t want you to underestimate us. I’m learning that I will have to let go and let God and relax some days. I’m learning that there is a tomorrow and if not, then there is nothing to worry about in the first place. Worrying is pointless. Planning is also pointless. There are days when we can’t fulfill our duties or days when circumstances say other wise. It is possible God might have something else for us to do. Either way, for people with an any kind of chronic illness, it’s always a day at a time. We find strength from God and each other. I’m also learning that there is nothing in life that can prevent me from seeking God. There is nothing that takes away from who he is.

All in all, despite the challenges life throws at us, we should never give up. We should never stop dreaming and always make time to relax and enjoy life as fragile and precious as it is.